Aries: You’re willing to shoot for the moon but you can’t squeeze your butt into the cannon. Don’t worry, a close friend with a big stick will be by shortly to get you into position, but you might need some ibuprofen in the pre-flight check.

Taurus:  Ignore the person telling you pain builds character. Lucky breaks don’t include arms or legs, so build your character the old-fashioned way: with a nerd, a pair of dice and a D&D sheet.

Gemini: Life is sweet lately and you’re getting more kicks than Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes. Wear your best heels and fluffiest mustache, because someone in the audience can make you a star.

Cancer: When you say you want a new experience, you don’t expect to be drugged by hedgehog rebel sympathizers and dropped off in Tijuana wearing nothing but a Justin Bieber t-shirt and some clown makeup. Next time you’ll be more specific in your request to the universe, won’t you?

Leo: Yes, the world does revolve around you. While all your friends and family orbit like good little planets, karma will throw a comet at your head occasionally to keep you humble. Silly karma, not even a dinosaur-squelching speedball can dent that ego.

Virgo: People may call you a dim bulb, but you’re the first one they reach for when the power goes out.  Don’t hide your light under a basket, let it shine; otherwise someone will try to break you and shake you until you glow.

Libra: When life gives you lemons, it wants lemonade. But if life hands you bananas, it’s waiting for some slapstick. Give it the slip and find a fruity path with more appeal.

Scorpio: You’re as subtle as a Ronco infomercial, but you’re getting your point across. Ease up on the hard sell before they’re up to their asparagus in Salad Shooters.

Sagittarius:  You may be a hammer in search of a nail, but unfortunately the universe only has an opening for a corkscrew. The only way you can get that twisted is writing for reality television. Relax, being that close to open wine bottles will only help.

Capricorn:  If there’s a simple explanation for what you’re doing, then you’re obviously not doing it right. Go back and get complicated; the post-adventure story should include three blushes, two burps and one incriminating photo.

Aquarius: A streak of good luck runs through your week. Avert your eyes, because the cold butt cheeks of fortune are hard to watch. At least it makes your own caboose look good.

Pisces: You dream of being the sleek pony galloping through the fields but lately you’ve been the pack mule winding up the mountain trail. Throw off that ungrateful tourist and head for open pastures, you majestic beast, you.