Aries: You’ll reach places you never dreamed of this week when a toddler discovers that fun little ‘plunk’ your keys make when they land in an overflowing toilet in Toys R Us. Afterward, check aisle nine for a walk-in Purell dispenser.

Taurus: If you think a snow blower is a cheap tramp Frosty met at a keg party, you’re spending too much time on the naughty websites. Grab a shovel and tunnel your way into the real world again, because you don’t have enough ramen noodles to last until spring thaw.

Gemini: Feel free to scream, yell and stomp all you want; you won’t worry your family at all. It’s those quiet little smiles that get them scared enough to shift into do-the-chores-find-the-hamster-she’s-creeping-me-out mode. Abuse your newfound superpower as much as you can this season.

Cancer: Don’t let people convince you to upgrade your life because old-fashioned has its merits. No one can push your buttons if you’re still rockin’ the rotary dial; bonus points for ripping some digits off if they stick fingers in your holes.

Leo: A pack of gum, a tube of silicone and an Easy-Bake Oven will make your Tuesday into something special, and the resulting limp will draw attention for weeks. So for you, it’s a win/win.

Virgo: Buy a lottery ticket on Thursday. You won’t win, but you’ll learn all the latest gossip from the store clerk, including who’s been fondling Santa’s packages lately. If you can’t have cash, evil thrills are almost as good.

Libra: Your attempts at holiday baking go awry on Wednesday when you realize too late that cookie sheets shouldn’t be of the satin variety. Helpful hint: the fire will go out quicker if you don’t place little pillows under the gingerbread men. Otherwise, your kitchen will smell like a goose landed on an electric fence.

Scorpio: Some people are born to greatness, while others have to listen to them blather on about it constantly. No matter which category you fall into, earplugs will be handy in your world.

Sagittarius: When failure surrounds you, it’s time to stand tall and make your dream succeed. If you’re the failure, it’s time to go into politics. Even if you lose, you could still end up with a book deal and a TV show.

Capricorn: Reclaiming lost love takes effort, dedication and charm. You can’t expect to find it by clapping your hands and waiting for the other person to beep. If you find your past sweetie under the couch you both need some therapy.

Aquarius: They say when a bird poops on you, it’s good luck for a day. Considering what that pigeon does in your purse or briefcase, you should be set through Easter.

Pisces: If wishes were horses, then birthdays would be much messier. Saddle up your own steed and ride into the daydream of your choice this weekend. Coconuts optional.

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