Aries: If your life is an open book, it’s more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil. Not everyone can survive on green eggs and grinches, but it works for you. Besides, who wouldn’t want a Hinkle-Horn Honker as a therapist?
Taurus: On Black Friday you spit, bit, tripped and grabbed to get the best deals, and that was just the coffee shop. This weekend, show a little kindness to your fellow shoppers; a cheap TV can rack up some expensive karma if you twist someone’s vertical hold to get it.
Gemini: Life’s been so boring lately, you’re running track in corduroys just to feel a spark or two. Grab some bacon-scented massage lotion, find a hot tomato and slap on a couple of well-placed lettuce leaves. It’s your choice whether to get toasted or not, but you will make sandwich history if you double-stack.
Cancer: After a wild weekend, you wake up with 2,000 salad spinners and 23 Shake Weights at your door. Using that to create the first-ever Crank It or Yank It gym makes you a household name in fitness circles and seedy bookstores everywhere.
Leo: You’re walking on sunshine and sliding down a double rainbow, but the cause is unclear. Either you’ve hit the jackpot or you’ve fallen face-first on a psychedelic frog—both will keep you tripping for a few weeks.
Virgo: Love may be the glue keeping your family together, but you crave some nail polish remover and a free afternoon to yourself. Sure, you’ll enjoy the time off, but you won’t get high off the smell.
Libra: You’re entranced by game shows where people do bizarre things for big bucks, but why go to all that effort? If you’re willing to eat a worm, you can get lucky closer to home.
Scorpio: If you see a zombie, a werewolf and a vampire go into a bar, pay close attention. You’ll witness an amazing joke or the start of the next Twilight movie. Could be some laughs either way.
Sagittarius: There’s a chill in the air, so be sure to wear your long johns to bed. You’ll be warmer, and John will appreciate the gesture, too.
Capricorn: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper. If you can stay away from the light you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.
Aquarius: Regarding that big question: the answer is yes, but only if you cover it in beets and play “Take It Easy” by the Eagles first. Karma works in mysterious ways.
Pisces: You haven’t had a big break in a while, because most of your luck is eaten up by just living. Try fewer high-wire maneuvers in daily life, and you’ll save up enough for a stunning second act.