You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2010.

Aries:  You can review this year if you have a strong stomach for horror films; otherwise, start tonguing that new calendar. If you kiss enough of 2011’s butt, maybe next year won’t make you hide under the bed.

Taurus: January’s resolutions will only lead to December’s regrets. Play it safe and set the bar low. If you’re breathing at the end of the year and you still have a TV, you won.

Gemini: Throwing yourself into your work is only good if you have a strong arm. If not, you’re just tossing your time into a pile of Facebook-checking and email obsessing. Do some weight training so you’ll get some distance on that to-do list.

Cancer: Forget someone special this holiday? Act fast to make up, or you’ll be like a zombie wandering into a Benihana’s: dead meat carved up on a platter. Some electronics or jewelry might keep you out of Ginsu range.

Leo: Normally you’re Droopy Dawg after the holidays, but some incredibly good news revs up your motor to full speed. Don’t ask why, just go Speed Racer go!

Virgo: Thinking life will give you lemons? You should be so lucky. Instead, life gives you a sugar-free, chemical-laden artificial lemon-flavored mix. Still, it tastes pretty good with vodka. Use it to knock back a Prozac or two.

Libra: Sure, you could quit smoking, lose weight, eat better and improve yourself for the new year, but you would have nothing to complain about except the high cost of imported kumquats. Right now you can’t annoy people with obnoxious whining because you’re too winded to finish a sentence.

Scorpio: If your lover gave you strawberry-flavored massage oil for Christmas and you’re in the kitchen pouring it over ice cream, you have a problem. Put down the dairy, but take the spoon and the oil back to the bedroom; your honey will remind you what they’re for.

Sagittarius: You’ve overindulged so much this holiday season, your skin tastes like powdered sugar and whiskey. Fill the tub, throw in a few Alka-Seltzers and pretend you’re a submarine. You’ll be launching torpedoes in no time.

Capricorn: Christmas is over, and it’s official: you are now allowed to smack anyone singing “Jingle Bell Rock.” Enjoy.

Aquarius: Helpful hint: taking your decorations down with a leaf blower may save time, but it will make the carpets crunchy for months. Put away the Christmas cheer slowly and you’ll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

Pisces: Congratulations, you’ve made it through the Christmas blues. Now you just have the rest of winter to be depressed about. Stock up on hot chocolate and Marx Brothers movies, because Groundhog Day is a long time coming.

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Aries: You occasionally have good ideas, but the self-turning Christmas tree with built-in turbo mode is not one of them. Luckily you’ll trip over the cord and unplug the tree before it can pepper the family with ornaments like a tinseled assassin.

Taurus: Want to give your sweetie the ultimate gift? Dab on some fancy cologne and slap a bow on your butt. The stockings aren’t the only thing hung with care, hubba hubba.

Gemini: Enjoy that iPad under the tree, because Santa Claus is going to pay dearly for it. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.

Cancer: Want to see some twinkling lights but you don’t have any decorations up? Grab a bottle of whiskey and a lava lamp. As the evening progresses, you’ll either swear you’re looking at the best Christmas display ever or forget why you started celebrating New Year’s early.

Leo: Congratulations! You made it through another holiday season without shoving a sugar plum up someone’s nose after hearing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” for the 236th time this year. Celebrate by stocking up on Valentine’s candy.

Virgo: Depressed over the coal in your stocking? Treat yourself to the new Jillian Michaels workout DVD. Soon your toned butt cheeks will squeeze that naughty rock into an oh-so-nice diamond.

Libra: On Sunday the kids go crazy with all the horns, drum kits and ear-shattering video games from the grandparents. You, however, will be spending some quality ‘me’ time in the garage wondering how you ticked off your folks.

Scorpio: You become a folk hero this weekend when you decide to end the myth of ‘One World, One Fruitcake’ and stuff a stick of dynamite in that bad boy.  The rain of day-glow fruit is totally worth it.

Sagittarius: You’ve eaten so many holiday treats this year, your tramp stamp has grown into a mooning movie screen. Get some treadmill action going before people start asking what times “Despicable Me” will be playing on your butt.

Capricorn: If you didn’t get what you wanted this year, don’t blame Santa. Seriously. Those elf ninjas from the North Pole mean business, and you do not want to know what they can do with a sharpened candy cane.

Aquarius: Your warm, fuzzy thought of peace on earth lasted until breakfast and goodwill toward men went about as far as someone could throw an electronic hamster. Hey, at least you beat last year’s record by ten minutes.

Pisces: Yes, it is the thought that counts, but having the gift receipt counts more, especially when you’ve received voice-activated houseslippers with real barnyard sounds. Let those little piggies go “wee wee wee” all the way to the return desk.

Aries: You’re willing to shoot for the moon but you can’t squeeze your butt into the cannon. Don’t worry, a close friend with a big stick will be by shortly to get you into position, but you might need some ibuprofen in the pre-flight check.

Taurus:  Ignore the person telling you pain builds character. Lucky breaks don’t include arms or legs, so build your character the old-fashioned way: with a nerd, a pair of dice and a D&D sheet.

Gemini: Life is sweet lately and you’re getting more kicks than Chuck Norris training for the Rockettes. Wear your best heels and fluffiest mustache, because someone in the audience can make you a star.

Cancer: When you say you want a new experience, you don’t expect to be drugged by hedgehog rebel sympathizers and dropped off in Tijuana wearing nothing but a Justin Bieber t-shirt and some clown makeup. Next time you’ll be more specific in your request to the universe, won’t you?

Leo: Yes, the world does revolve around you. While all your friends and family orbit like good little planets, karma will throw a comet at your head occasionally to keep you humble. Silly karma, not even a dinosaur-squelching speedball can dent that ego.

Virgo: People may call you a dim bulb, but you’re the first one they reach for when the power goes out.  Don’t hide your light under a basket, let it shine; otherwise someone will try to break you and shake you until you glow.

Libra: When life gives you lemons, it wants lemonade. But if life hands you bananas, it’s waiting for some slapstick. Give it the slip and find a fruity path with more appeal.

Scorpio: You’re as subtle as a Ronco infomercial, but you’re getting your point across. Ease up on the hard sell before they’re up to their asparagus in Salad Shooters.

Sagittarius:  You may be a hammer in search of a nail, but unfortunately the universe only has an opening for a corkscrew. The only way you can get that twisted is writing for reality television. Relax, being that close to open wine bottles will only help.

Capricorn:  If there’s a simple explanation for what you’re doing, then you’re obviously not doing it right. Go back and get complicated; the post-adventure story should include three blushes, two burps and one incriminating photo.

Aquarius: A streak of good luck runs through your week. Avert your eyes, because the cold butt cheeks of fortune are hard to watch. At least it makes your own caboose look good.

Pisces: You dream of being the sleek pony galloping through the fields but lately you’ve been the pack mule winding up the mountain trail. Throw off that ungrateful tourist and head for open pastures, you majestic beast, you.

Aries: You’ll reach places you never dreamed of this week when a toddler discovers that fun little ‘plunk’ your keys make when they land in an overflowing toilet in Toys R Us. Afterward, check aisle nine for a walk-in Purell dispenser.

Taurus: If you think a snow blower is a cheap tramp Frosty met at a keg party, you’re spending too much time on the naughty websites. Grab a shovel and tunnel your way into the real world again, because you don’t have enough ramen noodles to last until spring thaw.

Gemini: Feel free to scream, yell and stomp all you want; you won’t worry your family at all. It’s those quiet little smiles that get them scared enough to shift into do-the-chores-find-the-hamster-she’s-creeping-me-out mode. Abuse your newfound superpower as much as you can this season.

Cancer: Don’t let people convince you to upgrade your life because old-fashioned has its merits. No one can push your buttons if you’re still rockin’ the rotary dial; bonus points for ripping some digits off if they stick fingers in your holes.

Leo: A pack of gum, a tube of silicone and an Easy-Bake Oven will make your Tuesday into something special, and the resulting limp will draw attention for weeks. So for you, it’s a win/win.

Virgo: Buy a lottery ticket on Thursday. You won’t win, but you’ll learn all the latest gossip from the store clerk, including who’s been fondling Santa’s packages lately. If you can’t have cash, evil thrills are almost as good.

Libra: Your attempts at holiday baking go awry on Wednesday when you realize too late that cookie sheets shouldn’t be of the satin variety. Helpful hint: the fire will go out quicker if you don’t place little pillows under the gingerbread men. Otherwise, your kitchen will smell like a goose landed on an electric fence.

Scorpio: Some people are born to greatness, while others have to listen to them blather on about it constantly. No matter which category you fall into, earplugs will be handy in your world.

Sagittarius: When failure surrounds you, it’s time to stand tall and make your dream succeed. If you’re the failure, it’s time to go into politics. Even if you lose, you could still end up with a book deal and a TV show.

Capricorn: Reclaiming lost love takes effort, dedication and charm. You can’t expect to find it by clapping your hands and waiting for the other person to beep. If you find your past sweetie under the couch you both need some therapy.

Aquarius: They say when a bird poops on you, it’s good luck for a day. Considering what that pigeon does in your purse or briefcase, you should be set through Easter.

Pisces: If wishes were horses, then birthdays would be much messier. Saddle up your own steed and ride into the daydream of your choice this weekend. Coconuts optional.

Aries: If your life is an open book, it’s more Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil. Not everyone can survive on green eggs and grinches, but it works for you. Besides, who wouldn’t want a Hinkle-Horn Honker as a therapist?

Taurus:  On Black Friday you spit, bit, tripped and grabbed to get the best deals, and that was just the coffee shop.  This weekend, show a little kindness to your fellow shoppers; a cheap TV can rack up some expensive karma if you twist someone’s vertical hold to get it.

Gemini: Life’s been so boring lately, you’re running track in corduroys just to feel a spark or two.  Grab some bacon-scented massage lotion, find a hot tomato and slap on a couple of well-placed lettuce leaves. It’s your choice whether to get toasted or not, but you will make sandwich history if you double-stack.

Cancer: After a wild weekend, you wake up with 2,000 salad spinners and 23 Shake Weights at your door. Using that to create the first-ever Crank It or Yank It gym makes you a household name in fitness circles and seedy bookstores everywhere.

Leo: You’re walking on sunshine and sliding down a double rainbow, but the cause is unclear. Either you’ve hit the jackpot or you’ve fallen face-first on a psychedelic frog—both will keep you tripping for a few weeks.

Virgo: Love may be the glue keeping your family together, but you crave some nail polish remover and a free afternoon to yourself. Sure, you’ll enjoy the time off, but you won’t get high off the smell.

Libra: You’re entranced by game shows where people do bizarre things for big bucks, but why go to all that effort? If you’re willing to eat a worm, you can get lucky closer to home.

Scorpio: If you see a zombie, a werewolf and a vampire go into a bar, pay close attention. You’ll  witness an amazing joke or the start of the next Twilight movie. Could be some laughs either way.

Sagittarius: There’s a chill in the air, so be sure to wear your long johns to bed. You’ll be warmer, and John will appreciate the gesture, too.

Capricorn: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Aquarius: Regarding that big question: the answer is yes, but only if you cover it in beets and play “Take It Easy” by the Eagles first. Karma works in mysterious ways.

Pisces: You haven’t had a big break in a while, because most of your luck is eaten up by just living. Try fewer high-wire maneuvers in daily life, and you’ll save up enough for a stunning second act.