Aries: Think you will get what you want out of a situation? You have a better chance of spotting Jimmy Hoffa dancing in a coconut bra and mini-skirt at the company party.  If you see him doing The Flip after a round of Red Bull and vodka, maybe you have a shot after all.

Taurus: Someone close acts like they’re a big fish in a little pond, but with that attitude, they’re really just the turd in the punch bowl. Fish ‘em out, set ‘em straight, and don’t drink the punch.

Gemini: Not every weekend can be wine, women and song. Sometimes it’s warm beer, online chat and the theme from Gilligan’s Island stuck in your head. At least you haven’t found out yet that hot chick you’re chatting up is a 57-year-old hairy truck driver named Ralph.

Cancer: You’re taking on the world in a blaze of glory! Before you shoot off your mouth, remember to keep your powder dry. Just don’t store it in your pants pocket with your lighter; one spark and you’ll go off half-cocked.

Leo: If life was a game show, you think it’s ‘Deal or No Deal,’ full of glamour, mystery and suitcases. In reality, it’s ‘Let’s Make a Deal,’ especially considering that outfit.  Pull up your leg warmers, straighten that poncho and go for Door #2.

Virgo: Getting back into the dating game is scary, but don’t worry: you’ll be snatched up faster than an abandoned iPad at a video game convention. Be discerning or you could get your screen smeared with Cheez Doodle crumbs and sweat.

Libra: You’re considering an emotional extreme makeover for someone special, but instead of moving the bus, they would just throw you under it. Be yourself, warts and all; perfect, shiny people scare the crap out of the rest of us.

Scorpio: Change is inevitable, but if you wake up inside a U-Haul heading down the interstate, you may have missed a signal somewhere. This could be a grand adventure or a kidnapping, depending on how much deranged laughter you hear from the cab.

Sagittarius: Most people pine to be the hero, but you’re kinda digging the whole wacky sidekick thing. You crack all the snark while someone else does the heavy lifting, and you have a closet full of spandex to spare. Sit back and think up some good Dick Grayson jokes while you’re waiting for the next episode.

Capricorn: Feeling lonely? Forget those skanky bars; if you can’t get a date, plan a plane trip. A few turns through airport security should leave you with a satisfied smile.

Aquarius: You’re sending out the right message, but receiving blank stares in return. Check your translator. Not everyone understands “C’mere, big boy,” in Klingon.

Pisces: The universe has held out so many carrots just out of reach, you feel like Bugs Bunny in rehab. Keep looking up, doc, because this week you’ll finally get a bite of that orange goodness. The carrot, you dweeb, not Snooki.

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