Aries: You tried to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but the leather snapped and you punched yourself in the face. Are you gonna take that from footwear? Heel no! Get up and show those bad boys who’s boss. And find a good boot repair shop, before you get another black eye.

Taurus: Sometimes life doesn’t give you lemons, it hands you fruitcake. And that fruitcake is family, so try to be nice this season, even when they’re hard, dry and have day-glo fruit stuck in odd places.

Gemini: You’re feeling more claustrophobic than Aquaman floating in the toilet tank. Time to flush those fears and surf that wave to something new. Remember to wear your waders in case you find a logjam.

Cancer: You’ve been in denial so long, you’re ready to re-decorate it. Toss out those fabric swatches and face your fears before you end up re-upholstering the gorilla in the room, too.

Leo: Dancing like no one’s watching may sound good, but the way you move, someone will watch.  They may even approach you and try the Heimlich. Forget what you learned in Zumba, stick with the robot unless you want a wooden spoon shoved in your mouth.

Virgo: Some people find their bliss after wandering the world and opening the mind. Others find it in the beer cooler. Both go well with pretzels, just depends on how many steps you want to take.

Libra: You may say this problem isn’t your fault, but you’re the one who insisted on the Jell-O and the duct tape. Call the locksmith, let your hair grow back out and never mention this to anyone unless you’ve had five margaritas.

Scorpio: You’ve found someone who makes your heart sing. Either that, or you’ve lost your iPod down your shirt again. Who cares? If music is the food of love, deep-fry that jam and nosh on it together.

Sagittarius: Everyone knows where that paved road of good intentions leads, but what about the hiking trail of ambivalent ineptitude? Who knows and who cares? At least you’ve got the safari outfit to make it work.

Capricorn: Know that universal remote you just bought? It really works. Hit ‘Aux’ + ‘Ch’ and whisper ‘Pow!’ Bang, you just blew up a star. Too bad it wasn’t Mel Gibson.

Aquarius: If you’re on the horns of a dilemma, there’s no need to wave a red cape: it knows you’re there. Pick a direction, let go and run. The karmic rodeo clowns will do the rest.

Pisces: Every day, miracles come stomping past disguised as lucky breaks. The trick is knowing when to grab one and crack it open for the sweet, satisfying goodness. Carry a hammer because this week you’ll spot the perfect shill, er, opportunity.

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