Aries: You’re trying to be the little engine that could, but you’re ending up as Crazy Train. Focus on the tracks in front of you and you won’t jump the rails. Also, quit playing with Boxcar Willie.

Taurus: All that glitters is not gold. It could be a teen vampire or a fairy with a headcold, but either would be better than admitting you paid $10 for a lapdance with a one-legged, 80-year-old exotic dancer.

Gemini: You are definitely on a roll, but that doesn’t justify you getting fresh with the universe. Graciously rise to the occasion and don’t pick at the sesame seeds between your toes.

Cancer: On Wednesday you’ll have a 100 percent chance of winning the lottery, and a 120 percent chance of smacking your friends around, since they gave you a fake ticket. It’s funny until they have to Velcro their arms back on.

Leo: If there’s a quiet confidence about you, it means that someone found the Gorilla Glue while you were sleeping. Don’t worry, you have super-powered lips that can break through any seal. It comes from making kissyfaces at yourself in the mirror for years.

Virgo: Brighter days are ahead for you. It’s not due to good luck, just some new halogen headlights. Drive past your ex’s house when he or she is taking out the garbage, and that ‘deer in the high beams’ look will cheer you up.

Libra: Some days you’re the big dog, other days you’re the pooper scooper. This week, prepare to catch some crap. If you polish it hard enough, you can sell it on eBay.

Scorpio: Someone judges your food habits; unless they’re buying the groceries, tell them to bake off. What you do with a 20-pound bag of popcorn, a vat of peanut butter and three Don Draper lookalikes is your business.

Sagittarius: You may think you’ve found a diamond in the rough, but you’re just collecting rubble. Get your rocks off, then kick them to the curb. Wear steel-toed boots so you don’t break a toe.

Capricorn: Afraid of getting back in the game? You’ve been hiding in the dugout, but it’s time to swing some wood. The measure of a man isn’t the notches on his headboard, it’s the tool he used to carve them there.

Aquarius: Life is a circus, but those Stephen King-worthy clowns have been hanging around long enough to freak everyone out. Relax, the karmic ringmaster will show up this week to shove them into a tiny car and send them to Washington.

Pisces: Not only are you worried about someone moving your cheese, you suspect you’ve stumbled into the wrong maze. If you’re in a crop circle, catch the next UFO and escape the rat race altogether.

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