Aries: Your guardian angel has been on a smoke break for a few weeks, and your lucky stars went into rehab, but you’ll still manage to eek out a bit of good fortune. Just don’t push it by setting your nose hair on fire. Again.

Taurus: Some days you don’t want an award, you just want to go home and get in your sweatpants and comfy shoes. You’ll get your wish on Wednesday, but be prepared with an acceptance speech next week, because someone has noticed you.

Gemini: You thought you had the bluebird of happiness on your shoulder; turns out it’s just a crow with a nose job. Who cares? You’ll smile anyway, because he knows all the words to ‘Mustang Sally.’

Cancer: Hobbies are fun but you really need to find one that doesn’t involve glue or start wearing pants, unless you want another trip to the doctor to remove the raccoon from your happy place. Try macramé and leave the wildlife alone.

Leo: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Unless you’re on a cellphone. That’s just rude. Step outside so no one else has to hear about your weird friend’s raccoon removal during lunch.

Virgo: You say you’re not crafty, but you could knit a sweater with duct tape and two Sharpies. Go ahead, let loose and make everyone’s holiday presents this year. Nothing says ‘love’ like a crocheted thong.

Libra: Your mood has been flatter than an earthworm caught in a pasta maker. Find a friend who will give you a good fluffing and perhaps rub you down with a nice alfredo sauce. You’ll know what to do with the garlic bread.

Scorpio: Just like the girl from Nantucket, you’ve been a punchline too long. Pull yourself together and find a new groove. Even limerick chick has a college degree by now. Of course, she also has a webcam in the shower, too, because she has to pay the rent.

Sagittarius: It’s been smooth sailing, but no one has crossed your wake in a long time. Staying on an even keel is nice, but find someone to rock your boat. Maybe they’ll even come aboard and inflate your preserver.

Capricorn: A work situation has you perplexed. Should you ask for a raise or staple your resignation to your boss’ forehead? The answer will reveal itself on Thursday, so steal some extra pens now.

Aquarius: An amazing opportunity will come your way, and it’s cleverly disguised as something you would never do. Jump on it; you’ve been in your comfort zone so long, you have bedsores.

Pisces: Halloween is over, but you’re still jumping at every scary face and loud noise. Take a deep breath, stay away from city hall, and the nightmares should go away.

Advertisements