You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2010.
Aries: Think you will get what you want out of a situation? You have a better chance of spotting Jimmy Hoffa dancing in a coconut bra and mini-skirt at the company party. If you see him doing The Flip after a round of Red Bull and vodka, maybe you have a shot after all.
Taurus: Someone close acts like they’re a big fish in a little pond, but with that attitude, they’re really just the turd in the punch bowl. Fish ‘em out, set ‘em straight, and don’t drink the punch.
Gemini: Not every weekend can be wine, women and song. Sometimes it’s warm beer, online chat and the theme from Gilligan’s Island stuck in your head. At least you haven’t found out yet that hot chick you’re chatting up is a 57-year-old hairy truck driver named Ralph.
Cancer: You’re taking on the world in a blaze of glory! Before you shoot off your mouth, remember to keep your powder dry. Just don’t store it in your pants pocket with your lighter; one spark and you’ll go off half-cocked.
Leo: If life was a game show, you think it’s ‘Deal or No Deal,’ full of glamour, mystery and suitcases. In reality, it’s ‘Let’s Make a Deal,’ especially considering that outfit. Pull up your leg warmers, straighten that poncho and go for Door #2.
Virgo: Getting back into the dating game is scary, but don’t worry: you’ll be snatched up faster than an abandoned iPad at a video game convention. Be discerning or you could get your screen smeared with Cheez Doodle crumbs and sweat.
Libra: You’re considering an emotional extreme makeover for someone special, but instead of moving the bus, they would just throw you under it. Be yourself, warts and all; perfect, shiny people scare the crap out of the rest of us.
Scorpio: Change is inevitable, but if you wake up inside a U-Haul heading down the interstate, you may have missed a signal somewhere. This could be a grand adventure or a kidnapping, depending on how much deranged laughter you hear from the cab.
Sagittarius: Most people pine to be the hero, but you’re kinda digging the whole wacky sidekick thing. You crack all the snark while someone else does the heavy lifting, and you have a closet full of spandex to spare. Sit back and think up some good Dick Grayson jokes while you’re waiting for the next episode.
Capricorn: Feeling lonely? Forget those skanky bars; if you can’t get a date, plan a plane trip. A few turns through airport security should leave you with a satisfied smile.
Aquarius: You’re sending out the right message, but receiving blank stares in return. Check your translator. Not everyone understands “C’mere, big boy,” in Klingon.
Pisces: The universe has held out so many carrots just out of reach, you feel like Bugs Bunny in rehab. Keep looking up, doc, because this week you’ll finally get a bite of that orange goodness. The carrot, you dweeb, not Snooki.
Wearing sweatpants to Thanksgiving dinner is for amateurs. Dress up in your finest Snuggie and head to the table in roomy style. Extra points if you’re wearing underwear.
I’m grateful for all my faithful readers, commenters and ReTweeters! Happy Thanksgiving!
Aries: You tried to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but the leather snapped and you punched yourself in the face. Are you gonna take that from footwear? Heel no! Get up and show those bad boys who’s boss. And find a good boot repair shop, before you get another black eye.
Taurus: Sometimes life doesn’t give you lemons, it hands you fruitcake. And that fruitcake is family, so try to be nice this season, even when they’re hard, dry and have day-glo fruit stuck in odd places.
Gemini: You’re feeling more claustrophobic than Aquaman floating in the toilet tank. Time to flush those fears and surf that wave to something new. Remember to wear your waders in case you find a logjam.
Cancer: You’ve been in denial so long, you’re ready to re-decorate it. Toss out those fabric swatches and face your fears before you end up re-upholstering the gorilla in the room, too.
Leo: Dancing like no one’s watching may sound good, but the way you move, someone will watch. They may even approach you and try the Heimlich. Forget what you learned in Zumba, stick with the robot unless you want a wooden spoon shoved in your mouth.
Virgo: Some people find their bliss after wandering the world and opening the mind. Others find it in the beer cooler. Both go well with pretzels, just depends on how many steps you want to take.
Libra: You may say this problem isn’t your fault, but you’re the one who insisted on the Jell-O and the duct tape. Call the locksmith, let your hair grow back out and never mention this to anyone unless you’ve had five margaritas.
Scorpio: You’ve found someone who makes your heart sing. Either that, or you’ve lost your iPod down your shirt again. Who cares? If music is the food of love, deep-fry that jam and nosh on it together.
Sagittarius: Everyone knows where that paved road of good intentions leads, but what about the hiking trail of ambivalent ineptitude? Who knows and who cares? At least you’ve got the safari outfit to make it work.
Capricorn: Know that universal remote you just bought? It really works. Hit ‘Aux’ + ‘Ch’ and whisper ‘Pow!’ Bang, you just blew up a star. Too bad it wasn’t Mel Gibson.
Aquarius: If you’re on the horns of a dilemma, there’s no need to wave a red cape: it knows you’re there. Pick a direction, let go and run. The karmic rodeo clowns will do the rest.
Pisces: Every day, miracles come stomping past disguised as lucky breaks. The trick is knowing when to grab one and crack it open for the sweet, satisfying goodness. Carry a hammer because this week you’ll spot the perfect shill, er, opportunity.
Aries: You’re trying to be the little engine that could, but you’re ending up as Crazy Train. Focus on the tracks in front of you and you won’t jump the rails. Also, quit playing with Boxcar Willie.
Taurus: All that glitters is not gold. It could be a teen vampire or a fairy with a headcold, but either would be better than admitting you paid $10 for a lapdance with a one-legged, 80-year-old exotic dancer.
Gemini: You are definitely on a roll, but that doesn’t justify you getting fresh with the universe. Graciously rise to the occasion and don’t pick at the sesame seeds between your toes.
Cancer: On Wednesday you’ll have a 100 percent chance of winning the lottery, and a 120 percent chance of smacking your friends around, since they gave you a fake ticket. It’s funny until they have to Velcro their arms back on.
Leo: If there’s a quiet confidence about you, it means that someone found the Gorilla Glue while you were sleeping. Don’t worry, you have super-powered lips that can break through any seal. It comes from making kissyfaces at yourself in the mirror for years.
Virgo: Brighter days are ahead for you. It’s not due to good luck, just some new halogen headlights. Drive past your ex’s house when he or she is taking out the garbage, and that ‘deer in the high beams’ look will cheer you up.
Libra: Some days you’re the big dog, other days you’re the pooper scooper. This week, prepare to catch some crap. If you polish it hard enough, you can sell it on eBay.
Scorpio: Someone judges your food habits; unless they’re buying the groceries, tell them to bake off. What you do with a 20-pound bag of popcorn, a vat of peanut butter and three Don Draper lookalikes is your business.
Sagittarius: You may think you’ve found a diamond in the rough, but you’re just collecting rubble. Get your rocks off, then kick them to the curb. Wear steel-toed boots so you don’t break a toe.
Capricorn: Afraid of getting back in the game? You’ve been hiding in the dugout, but it’s time to swing some wood. The measure of a man isn’t the notches on his headboard, it’s the tool he used to carve them there.
Aquarius: Life is a circus, but those Stephen King-worthy clowns have been hanging around long enough to freak everyone out. Relax, the karmic ringmaster will show up this week to shove them into a tiny car and send them to Washington.
Pisces: Not only are you worried about someone moving your cheese, you suspect you’ve stumbled into the wrong maze. If you’re in a crop circle, catch the next UFO and escape the rat race altogether.
Aries: Your guardian angel has been on a smoke break for a few weeks, and your lucky stars went into rehab, but you’ll still manage to eek out a bit of good fortune. Just don’t push it by setting your nose hair on fire. Again.
Taurus: Some days you don’t want an award, you just want to go home and get in your sweatpants and comfy shoes. You’ll get your wish on Wednesday, but be prepared with an acceptance speech next week, because someone has noticed you.
Gemini: You thought you had the bluebird of happiness on your shoulder; turns out it’s just a crow with a nose job. Who cares? You’ll smile anyway, because he knows all the words to ‘Mustang Sally.’
Cancer: Hobbies are fun but you really need to find one that doesn’t involve glue or start wearing pants, unless you want another trip to the doctor to remove the raccoon from your happy place. Try macramé and leave the wildlife alone.
Leo: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Unless you’re on a cellphone. That’s just rude. Step outside so no one else has to hear about your weird friend’s raccoon removal during lunch.
Virgo: You say you’re not crafty, but you could knit a sweater with duct tape and two Sharpies. Go ahead, let loose and make everyone’s holiday presents this year. Nothing says ‘love’ like a crocheted thong.
Libra: Your mood has been flatter than an earthworm caught in a pasta maker. Find a friend who will give you a good fluffing and perhaps rub you down with a nice alfredo sauce. You’ll know what to do with the garlic bread.
Scorpio: Just like the girl from Nantucket, you’ve been a punchline too long. Pull yourself together and find a new groove. Even limerick chick has a college degree by now. Of course, she also has a webcam in the shower, too, because she has to pay the rent.
Sagittarius: It’s been smooth sailing, but no one has crossed your wake in a long time. Staying on an even keel is nice, but find someone to rock your boat. Maybe they’ll even come aboard and inflate your preserver.
Capricorn: A work situation has you perplexed. Should you ask for a raise or staple your resignation to your boss’ forehead? The answer will reveal itself on Thursday, so steal some extra pens now.
Aquarius: An amazing opportunity will come your way, and it’s cleverly disguised as something you would never do. Jump on it; you’ve been in your comfort zone so long, you have bedsores.
Pisces: Halloween is over, but you’re still jumping at every scary face and loud noise. Take a deep breath, stay away from city hall, and the nightmares should go away.