Aries: You want to overindulge in wine, women and song, but let’s be honest: you can only handle one of those in large quantities. Grab just one beer, a single squeeze and fire up the iTunes; otherwise, you’ll end up doing DNA tests on Jerry Springer.

Taurus: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, but those who remember history can be real nags about it. Either way, you’re gonna hear about it, so do what you want this week; just don’t be an ass.

Gemini: Everyone else is searching the skies for a majestic bald eagle, but you’re just hoping for a penguin of giddiness. Get ready to giggle, because it’s waddling your way with some amazing news. Keep a fish by the door so you can tip properly.

Cancer: The hermit instinct is strong right now. When you shell up, pull in a hottie with a tub of butter, and you can play crab pattycake to while away the hours.

Leo: Gasp! Are you actually tired of the spotlight? Thank goodness there’s a dressing room with a big star on it just offstage. Retreat there for a few days and receive your kudos. By the time you’re rested, you’ll have a fresh audience with cellphone cameras waiting for you to screw up.

Virgo: There’s a place for everything, but if you keep tacking the kids to the wall with Velcro so the house will stay tidy, someone will eventually tattle. Send them outside to play, and you can slap ‘em up on the wall for special occasions.

Libra: Your week will be more painful than getting an I.R.S. audit from Gilbert Gottfried. Toughen up by watching a ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon, and you’ll be able to handle anything.

Scorpio: When you find a lucky rabbit’s foot, check it out thoroughly before petting it and sticking it in your pocket. If it’s still attached to a Playboy bunny who knows karate, you may get a roundhouse kick instead of good fortune.

Sagittarius: You’ve been crankier than a vampire with a toothache, but Tuesday will yank that pointy pain right out with a special delivery of laughing gas. Yuk it up, and quit biting everyone’s heads off.

Capricorn: Ram that brick wall all you want; you’re just going to end up with rubble. Once you clear the dust from your eyes, focus on the elevator. It’s easier to move up in the world when you’re not covered in debris.

Aquarius: Not only are you burning the candle at both ends, someone’s taken a crème brulee torch to your middle, too. With all that hot wax, you have two options: get kinky with someone, or cool off and stick with tealights for a while.

Pisces: If people tell you that you’re full of hot air, shrug it off. You may not have the gift of gab, but a mile-high future awaits you in the balloon travel industry.

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