Aries: You used to flip houses, now you flip burgers. The economy sucks, but that’s no reason to go all Mel Gibson on your family. Before you rant, remember: there are scarier things than Mad Max and they’re sitting at the other end of the couch.
Taurus: If you’re feeling a breeze down below and someone’s begging you to keep the lampshade on, you may have turned the life of the party into the death of your reputation. Learn not to mix tequila with champagne, and you won’t have to wear someone’s living room furniture on your morning walk of shame.
Gemini: You believe in turning the other cheek, but you’re moving enough flesh to make Christine O’Donnell nervous. Stand up; sometimes finding your jewels means letting go of your own junk.
Cancer: No one’s asking you to make love or war, just some sense for a change. Go follow your guru on the mountain or on Twitter, just get some wisdom. Don’t worry, the revolution will be recorded on someone’s cellphone.
Leo: Your calm, cool and collected attitude is commendable, and it’s really starting to wig people out. You can smile serenely while people poke you with sticks, or you can grab those weapons and turn your co-workers into moron-kebabs. The former will be better for your soul, the latter will be better with some A-1.
Virgo: Coming up short in the love department? Go with that feeling. Usually something tall, dark and handsome comes with way too much baggage, and you don’t have enough closet space. Take a chance on someone who can motorboat your navel; fun size applies to more than just Snickers.
Libra: If love meant you never had to say you’re sorry, then florists and jewelers would be out of business. Man up and buy some goodies, because what you did with that golf cart and three cocktail waitresses is diamond-level stupidity.
Scorpio: Let’s take a look into your brain; hmmm, yep, that’s a big decision you have to make. Don’t piss around with horoscopes, that’s going to require a Magic 8-Ball and five minutes with a fake psychic on a 900 line. Or you could just think it through logically and make a well-informed choice. Ha!
Sagittarius: It’s admirable that you’re holding out for your own Field of Dreams, but don’t get so obsessed with what could happen that you miss out on all the fun in the Parking Lot of Daily Life. Dreams are fun, but there’s some kick-ass fun at the tailgating parties outside.
Capricorn: Living life by the numbers means you’ll have a stack of losing lottery tickets. Throw the equations out the window and ask for some hottie’s digits; you two could form a kinky algorithm.
Aquarius: Your troubles may have multiplied, but never fear; if the clowns get you down, whip out that double-barrel and see how fast 47 overpainted scaremongers can squeeze back into a 74’ Beetle.
Pisces: Congratulations, you’re getting organized! You have events written down on the calendar and everything. Too bad you’re using a Day Planner from 1982. Ah well, baby steps.