You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2010.

Aries: You’re having trouble seeing the problem in front of you, and you’re bumping into furniture because of it. Pulling up your big girl panties and dealing with it will help, but taking them off your head first will really clear things up.

Taurus: Thinking about the one that got away? There are more fish in the sea; sooner or later you’ll find the one that makes your rod quiver. Just don’t dangle your bait in front of piranhas.

Gemini: You have a rare talent to make good girls go bad. If you buddied up with Charlotte, the web would have read, “McRibs and Tequila for Everyone!” Try to keep those little horns covered up until Halloween.

Cancer: Autumn makes your nesting instincts kick in but don’t try for homebody perfection. It doesn’t matter what twigs and fluff you bring home, your nestmates are only worried about that stick up your butt.

Leo: You always demand that the universe cough up some good fortune but you’ll be surprised when it actually happens Tuesday. In a related note, you might want to give some hairball remedy to karma and get your shoes cleaned.

Virgo: Stomp your foot all your want, but it won’t get you anywhere unless you’re a horse on the David Letterman show. Put your best attitude forward and no one will be looking you in the mouth.

Libra: If you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince, imagine what you’ll have to do to bag a wizard. Unfortuately, that’s the answer to your problem, so pack some baby oil, cauliflower and mosquito spray.

Scorpio: A few beavers have dammed up your stream, and now you’re facing a low-flow mojo problem. Think of something relaxing like baseball and you’ll burst through the problem in no time.

Sagittarius: A little help is always appreciated but too many cooks spoil the broth, especially if one of them has a headcold. Figure out this recipe on your own, and get a flu shot while you’re at it.

Capricorn: Going after what you want is fine, but there’s tenacious and there’s rabid. If you’re feeling foamy, back off before the restraining order hits.

Aquarius: Mother Teresa said every problem was a gift, but she never had to balance the checkbook while the poodle pees on her shoe and her teenager orders both pizza and ‘Naughty Nurses 35’ with her credit card. Give back what you can, and re-gift the rest.

Pisces: If you want good luck this week, buy a lottery ticket, rub it with a dozing ferret and hide it inside a chocolate bar behind the four-month-old Chinese takeout in the fridge. You may not win, but at least you’ll stay busy.

Aries: You want to overindulge in wine, women and song, but let’s be honest: you can only handle one of those in large quantities. Grab just one beer, a single squeeze and fire up the iTunes; otherwise, you’ll end up doing DNA tests on Jerry Springer.

Taurus: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, but those who remember history can be real nags about it. Either way, you’re gonna hear about it, so do what you want this week; just don’t be an ass.

Gemini: Everyone else is searching the skies for a majestic bald eagle, but you’re just hoping for a penguin of giddiness. Get ready to giggle, because it’s waddling your way with some amazing news. Keep a fish by the door so you can tip properly.

Cancer: The hermit instinct is strong right now. When you shell up, pull in a hottie with a tub of butter, and you can play crab pattycake to while away the hours.

Leo: Gasp! Are you actually tired of the spotlight? Thank goodness there’s a dressing room with a big star on it just offstage. Retreat there for a few days and receive your kudos. By the time you’re rested, you’ll have a fresh audience with cellphone cameras waiting for you to screw up.

Virgo: There’s a place for everything, but if you keep tacking the kids to the wall with Velcro so the house will stay tidy, someone will eventually tattle. Send them outside to play, and you can slap ‘em up on the wall for special occasions.

Libra: Your week will be more painful than getting an I.R.S. audit from Gilbert Gottfried. Toughen up by watching a ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon, and you’ll be able to handle anything.

Scorpio: When you find a lucky rabbit’s foot, check it out thoroughly before petting it and sticking it in your pocket. If it’s still attached to a Playboy bunny who knows karate, you may get a roundhouse kick instead of good fortune.

Sagittarius: You’ve been crankier than a vampire with a toothache, but Tuesday will yank that pointy pain right out with a special delivery of laughing gas. Yuk it up, and quit biting everyone’s heads off.

Capricorn: Ram that brick wall all you want; you’re just going to end up with rubble. Once you clear the dust from your eyes, focus on the elevator. It’s easier to move up in the world when you’re not covered in debris.

Aquarius: Not only are you burning the candle at both ends, someone’s taken a crème brulee torch to your middle, too. With all that hot wax, you have two options: get kinky with someone, or cool off and stick with tealights for a while.

Pisces: If people tell you that you’re full of hot air, shrug it off. You may not have the gift of gab, but a mile-high future awaits you in the balloon travel industry.

Aries: You used to flip houses, now you flip burgers. The economy sucks, but that’s no reason to go all Mel Gibson on your family. Before you rant, remember: there are scarier things than Mad Max and they’re sitting at the other end of the couch.

Taurus: If you’re feeling a breeze down below and someone’s begging you to keep the lampshade on, you may have turned the life of the party into the death of your reputation. Learn not to mix tequila with champagne, and you won’t have to wear someone’s living room furniture on your morning walk of shame.

Gemini: You believe in turning the other cheek, but you’re moving enough flesh to make Christine O’Donnell nervous. Stand up; sometimes finding your jewels means letting go of your own junk.

Cancer: No one’s asking you to make love or war, just some sense for a change. Go follow your guru on the mountain or on Twitter, just get some wisdom. Don’t worry, the revolution will be recorded on someone’s cellphone.

Leo: Your calm, cool and collected attitude is commendable, and it’s really starting to wig people out. You can smile serenely while people poke you with sticks, or you can grab those weapons and turn your co-workers into moron-kebabs. The former will be better for your soul, the latter will be better with some A-1.

Virgo: Coming up short in the love department? Go with that feeling. Usually something tall, dark and handsome comes with way too much baggage, and you don’t have enough closet space. Take a chance on someone who can motorboat your navel; fun size applies to more than just Snickers.

Libra: If love meant you never had to say you’re sorry, then florists and jewelers would be out of business. Man up and buy some goodies, because what you did with that golf cart and three cocktail waitresses is diamond-level stupidity.

Scorpio: Let’s take a look into your brain; hmmm, yep, that’s a big decision you have to make. Don’t piss around with horoscopes, that’s going to require a Magic 8-Ball and five minutes with a fake psychic on a 900 line. Or you could just think it through logically and make a well-informed choice. Ha!

Sagittarius: It’s admirable that you’re holding out for your own Field of Dreams, but don’t get so obsessed with what could happen that you miss out on all the fun in the Parking Lot of Daily Life. Dreams are fun, but there’s some kick-ass fun at the tailgating parties outside.

Capricorn: Living life by the numbers means you’ll have a stack of losing lottery tickets. Throw the equations out the window and ask for some hottie’s digits; you two could form a kinky algorithm.

Aquarius: Your troubles may have multiplied, but never fear; if the clowns get you down, whip out that double-barrel and see how fast 47 overpainted scaremongers can squeeze back into a 74’ Beetle.

Pisces: Congratulations, you’re getting organized! You have events written down on the calendar and everything. Too bad you’re using a Day Planner from 1982. Ah well, baby steps.

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