Aries: You’re so lucky this week, all your fortune cookies have to say is “Yeah, baby.” You’ll crack open a long-held dream, so enjoy all that sweet, crunchy goodness.
Taurus: Think you’ve been a little angel? Think again. You’ve been giving plenty of advice, but it’s time to take a rest: that pitchfork is getting heavy and it’s hard to balance on someone’s shoulder. Save the horns for date night.
Gemini: Life has been throwing more spitballs at you than a fourth grade class with a substitute teacher. Set some boundaries before that stuff starts to stick and dry out; otherwise you’ll be power-washing your hair.
Cancer: When you’re too practical for too long, the universe will throw you a Cher tape and some thigh-high stiletto boots. Lock the door if it makes you feel better, but definitely try those bad boys on. That chore list will fade after a few struts.
Leo: A secret of the universe opens up to you on Tuesday. Before you list ‘guru’ on your business cards, remember that karma is an open book; you’re just the lucky moron who stumbled across your reading glasses.
Virgo: This week will have more twists and turns than a Salvador Dali Sudoku. Solving the puzzle will take some mental yoga, a pitcher of margaritas and one big Sharpie.
Libra: Having trouble with cobwebs in your mind? You should be more concerned about the giant, hairy spider lurking around your brain, because there are some places Raid just can’t reach.
Scorpio: Love could be waiting for you in the Laundromat, so flash that megawatt smile while you’re tossing in your dirty undies. They may not be ready for the spin cycle, but you could end up in a long, hot tumble.
Sagittarius: Your life will be changed on Tuesday by a webcam, some cotton candy and two wombats. You won’t need bail money, but a doctor’s excuse would be handy.
Capricorn: A dream from Thursday night inspires you to create a new culinary dish that takes the world by storm. Who knew everyone would adore Bacon Corn Dogs in a Can?
Aquarius: Those heavy-handed relationship tactics aren’t winning you any passion points, but if you use too much of a light touch, you could hit a very ticklish area. Better feel out the situation a little more and perhaps add some oil, just in case.
Pisces: Your stress threshold is so low right now, a centipede could set it off. Quit digging a basement to store your anxiety; the universe is sending a hot air balloon to be your custom ride for a while. Wave to the little people as you float past.