Aries: On Monday, you’ll be like a pan of Jiffy Pop: someone keeps turning up the heat to get a rise out of you. They shouldn’t be surprised when you blow your top, but you could lose some kernels when they drop you like you’re hot.

Taurus: All you want is some recognition, but the universe keeps calling you “Brunhilda” and sending you generic junk mail. Slap a ‘Hello, My Name Is’ tag on your soul and start shaking some karmic hands.You’ll be a celestial household name in no time.

Gemini: Now is not the time to ask yourself how you got in this mess, just take the tuxedo off the monkey and hide until the police helicopter quits buzzing overhead. Next time, you’ll know not to buy wine from the 99-cent shop.

Cancer: It takes a lot of little things going wrong to make one big thing go oh-so-right, so quit crying over spilled milk, skinned knees and missed TV shows. You should focus on blonde, brunette or redhead instead.

Leo: If you hit a bump in the road, don’t be a drama queen and call for a Sherpa, three mules and some freeze-dried spaghetti. You’ll be able to scale this obstacle just fine on your own and you’ll enjoy the sense of accomplishment.

Virgo: Hold on, because this will be one of those weeks that Builds Character. Unless you have a 20-sided die and a nerdy friend with a wizard hat, it will be a challenge.

Libra: Just when you learn all the steps, someone changes the dance. Put on your best smile and calmly threaten the DJ with any manner of Bruce Lee-related violence until he switches the music back. A good one-inch punch can do wonders for your breakdancing skills.

Scorpio: Not saying that you make a lot of excuses, but you have more alibis than Paris Hilton at a traffic stop. Money and looks may get you out of trouble, but it can’t buy you out of stupid. Work off some karma before your luck runs out.

Sagittarius: Lonely? Calling 911 and reporting a wild badger gnawing your face is not a good way to meet people. Get out there and meet someone the old-fashioned way: run over some toes with your grocery cart and awkwardly compliment hotties on the particularly fine melons or sausage they’re carrying.

Capricorn: No fluffy fortune cookie will predict your mood this week; it will take Magic 8-Balls of Steel to deal with what’s coming your way. Good thing you have Chuck Norris on speed dial, right?

Aquarius: Some days you’re the Captain of the Enterprise, other days you’re just Red Shirt #3. This week you’re a little of both, so hang on to your Tribbles.

Pisces: One good thing about treading water for so long; you have some incredible leg strength. When your toes touch ground Tuesday, use it to climb ashore and kick someone’s ass until they notice you.