Tired of good guys having all the fun? Enjoy the personal horoscopes of some of Twitter’s best bad boys: @EmperorFranzen, @EvilWylie, @DarthVader and @CobraCommander.

@EmperorFranzen: After the Time cover and iPad commercial, you have unseated Howard Stern as the King of All Media, but the one thing you desire most just won’t happen. It’s for the best. If you actually saw Oprah in that skimpy Leia costume, you would staple your cloak shut. Instead, send Jennifer Weiner some green body paint and see if she’s open to the whole Orion slave girl thing. Could be a fun weekend.

@CobraCommander: That nasty mask rash won’t heal unless you get some fresh air. Take a vacay near the filming of ‘Jersey Shore.’ You won’t be the most evil, deformed scaly thing around, so you can relax in total anonymity. Wait a minute, have you and Snooki ever been seen together? Hmmm…

@EvilWylie: Stay on constant alert for the next few days. Your boss could be on the verge of reaching out to the female writing community, and he will need you to knock the olive branch out of his hand. If you don’t, you’ll end up working for Glenn Beck. The chalk dust will irritate your asthma and the unbridled crazy will irritate your tiny, black soul.

@DarthVader: The force is strong with a pitcher of margaritas you encounter at the Dark Side company picnic this weekend. Fortunately, you discover footage of you chasing R2D2 and chanting “Tap that keg!” before it’s posted online. That handy ability to choke camera-bearing minions means that what happens on the Death Star, stays on the Death Star.