Aries: Feeling edgy? If you had all the answers, you would be able to account for those missing days in Vegas last month. Don’t worry, all will be revealed soon when the pictures show up. Very revealed, indeed.

Taurus: It’s the little things that make life worth living. Like being a little crazy, a little humble, and finally achieving a little ass that fits into those skinny jeans. Good work.

Gemini: Looking for a day where you win the lottery, seduce Brad Pitt and find the perfect pair of shoes? Not today, chickie. Hey, you woke up and there’s no zombie apocalypse, what more do you want?

Cancer: When people tell you that you can’t have your cake and eat it, too, laugh it off. After all, who just wants to look at cake? Remember that when a sweet opportunity is served up to you.

Leo: Tuesday will be a day when you should have stayed in bed. Preferably with some vodka, a remote and a credit card. When did they start showing infomercials during the day, anyway? Oooh, Snuggies and Shake Weights!

Virgo: Your plans to get freaky on Thursday go awry, so put away that chocolate syrup and pirate outfit for a few days until the parrot sobers up. If it happens again, you may need to send him to AArrgh.

Libra: Feeling less than sexy? Nonsense. You have the perfect face for radio, and enough intelligence for any blog comment section on the Internet. You’re quite the catch, so quit uploading Spongebob’s picture to your eHarmony account.

Scorpio: It’s wonderful that you’re surrounded by friends, but a few of them should be real people and not characters on the TV screen. Head out to the hardware store for some awkward social interaction and grunting.

Sagittarius: Singing “All You Need Is Love” is one thing, but living it is another. Probably time for some uncomfortable tests with the doctor and a trip down the embarrassing ointment aisle at Walmart.

Capricorn: On Saturday, you strive to be the wind under someone’s wings, but four helpings of Bean-Broccoli-Cabbage casserole means you’ll blast them out of the sky instead. Try to look apologetic among the dropping feathers.

Aquarius: Someone starts a rumor that you’re leaving the company so they can steal your office furniture. Protect your perimeter and pee a trail around your new desk and comfy chair. In the wilds of the office, the yellow boundary can’t be crossed.

Pisces: That funny project you’ve been working on for years? It’s not a grain silo, silly, it’s a rocket, and you’ve glued your shoelace to the door. Get unstuck fast and strap in, because you’re going to discover places you’ve only dreamed about.

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