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Angie Mansfield, for her entry packed with enough bad jokes to make even a zombie wipe his eyes. Congratulations, Angie! I’ll contact you privately to get your info to our gracious sponsor, Stacey Graham of Zombie Dating Guide fame.
Our judge also passed along an Honorable Mention to Bill Mullis, for his romantic hole-in-the-head horoscope! Yay Bill! Enjoy the warm fuzzies of the undead.
Thanks to all the talented, funny folks who entered the Zombie Horoscope Contest, you’re all winners in my book! Yes, really. Whenever WZ makes it to the page, each and every one of you will have your own secret horoscope listed.
And thanks again to Stacey and the Zombie Dating Guide for making this contest possible!
Aries: You’re so lucky this week, all your fortune cookies have to say is “Yeah, baby.” You’ll crack open a long-held dream, so enjoy all that sweet, crunchy goodness.
Taurus: Think you’ve been a little angel? Think again. You’ve been giving plenty of advice, but it’s time to take a rest: that pitchfork is getting heavy and it’s hard to balance on someone’s shoulder. Save the horns for date night.
Gemini: Life has been throwing more spitballs at you than a fourth grade class with a substitute teacher. Set some boundaries before that stuff starts to stick and dry out; otherwise you’ll be power-washing your hair.
Cancer: When you’re too practical for too long, the universe will throw you a Cher tape and some thigh-high stiletto boots. Lock the door if it makes you feel better, but definitely try those bad boys on. That chore list will fade after a few struts.
Leo: A secret of the universe opens up to you on Tuesday. Before you list ‘guru’ on your business cards, remember that karma is an open book; you’re just the lucky moron who stumbled across your reading glasses.
Virgo: This week will have more twists and turns than a Salvador Dali Sudoku. Solving the puzzle will take some mental yoga, a pitcher of margaritas and one big Sharpie.
Libra: Having trouble with cobwebs in your mind? You should be more concerned about the giant, hairy spider lurking around your brain, because there are some places Raid just can’t reach.
Scorpio: Love could be waiting for you in the Laundromat, so flash that megawatt smile while you’re tossing in your dirty undies. They may not be ready for the spin cycle, but you could end up in a long, hot tumble.
Sagittarius: Your life will be changed on Tuesday by a webcam, some cotton candy and two wombats. You won’t need bail money, but a doctor’s excuse would be handy.
Capricorn: A dream from Thursday night inspires you to create a new culinary dish that takes the world by storm. Who knew everyone would adore Bacon Corn Dogs in a Can?
Aquarius: Those heavy-handed relationship tactics aren’t winning you any passion points, but if you use too much of a light touch, you could hit a very ticklish area. Better feel out the situation a little more and perhaps add some oil, just in case.
Pisces: Your stress threshold is so low right now, a centipede could set it off. Quit digging a basement to store your anxiety; the universe is sending a hot air balloon to be your custom ride for a while. Wave to the little people as you float past.
Today’s special Zombie Week feature is an interview with Lyle Perez-Tinics, editor of “The Undead That Saved Christmas,” a zombie holiday anthology, and creator of the Undead in the Head book review site. With so many zombie books out there, what makes this one different? Proceeds from the book will go to the Hugs Foster Family Agency, where funds are needed to buy Christmas gifts for foster kids. Sometimes zombies and warm fuzzies are just in the stars. And now, the WZ three-question interview:
1. Do zombies have lucky days?
Yes they do, but I don’t think they would grasp the concept. Since zombies are driven by instinct, I don’t think they would be superstitious. If a zombie gets shot in the head but the bullet doesn’t destroy its brain, I would consider that lucky.
2. What’s the biggest danger the undead face at Christmas time?
I would say the biggest danger undead face during Christmas is if there is a White Christmas. Everyone knows that zombies freeze during winter. Since they have no blood pumping through them they can’t stay warm.
3. What’s the perfect holiday gift for zombies under any zodiac sign?
The best holiday gift for a zombie would be my new book, “The Undead That Saved Christmas.” Net proceeds from my book will help provide Christmas present for foster kids at Hugs Foster Family Agency. “The Undead That Saved Christmas” is an anthology of short stories, poems and comics, all have tied it the magic of Christmas with the terror of zombies. There are also many rich illustrations from various artists. I myself wrote an original story that is part of this book. My target release date is Oct. 1, 2010. The book will be available through CreateSpace.com, Amazon.com and I will also be selling signed copies through my site, www.UndeadintheHead.com. This truly is the perfect gift for any zombie this holiday season.
Also, for the little zombie kids, I am writing a children novelette entitled, “Laidenn, The Dark Elf.” Since “The Undead That Saved Christmas” is targeted toward adults, I didn’t want to leave the little zombie kids without something to read this holiday season. This book will be available through the same channels as “The Undead That Saved Christmas” and will be released early November.
Don’t forget to become a fan of The Undead That Saved Christmas on Facebook.
You’ve seen how we roll on Wisecrack Zodiac: snarky, fun and brief. Now, thanks to author Stacey Graham and the Zombie Dating Guide, you have a chance to strut your own bad forecasting stuff! One lucky winner will receive a copy of “Hungry For Your Love,” the new zombie romance anthology!
And now for the official throwdown:
1. This contest is sponsored and judged by Stacey Graham. Her word on the winner is final!
2. The horoscope can be general or for a specific sign, but it must be funny and about zombies. Make it brief, 50 words or less.
3. Horoscope entries should be left as comments on THIS POST ONLY. If you leave an entry on a different post, it won’t count.
4. Contestants have until midnight Central time, Friday, September 24, to post their entries. Multiple entries are allowed, but each must be in a separate comment.
5. The winner will be announced on Monday, September 27. One winner will receive their choice of either the print or the e-book version of “Hungry For Your Love,” the zombie romance anthology edited by Lori Perkins and published by St. Martin’s Griffin.
That’s it! Good luck and start slinging those ‘scopes!
Take off that eye patch and stash the peg leg; pirate day is over and it’s time for a whole week of ripe zombie fun. Today we’re kicking off Zombie Week on Wisecrack Zodiac with author and zombie queen Stacey Graham, creator of the Zombie Dating Guide website and featured author in two new anthologies: “Hungry For Your Love,” coming out next week, and “The Undead That Saved Christmas,” to be released on Oct. 1. She’s fast, funny and a very talented writer, so enjoy the interview and drop by tomorrow for the details in the Zombie Horoscope Contest. Why? Because the prize will be a copy of the new zombie romance anthology, “Hungry For Your Love!”
And now, three Wisecrack Zodiac questions for the lady pulls all the strings…er, ligaments, Stacey Graham.
1. What sign do most zombies fall under?
Zombies fall under all signs, really. Our depth perception is a little iffy making it difficult to navigate around Yield and Stop signs so crashing headfirst into a sign isn’t unheard of by any means. The “Zombies Ahead” signs are particularly helpful, however, we have a heads up (get it?) to where we’re going because most of us forget our invitations to the Feeding Frenzy. Stupid zombies.
2. If a zombie Leo breaks up with a zombie Aries, who keeps the spare parts ripped off in heat of passion/arguments?
An Undead Aries will always outsmart a zombie Leo. Then again, carpet fluff would probably outsmart a zombie Leo so that’s no big accomplishment, is it? Leos are too busy making pouty faces in the mirror at themselves to notice what an Aries is doing unless they touch its hair. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong. Undead Leos have been known to rip off the scalps off humans whose hair they admire and wear their heads as hats. Be on the safe side while around zombies, ponytail that bitch up for the day.
3. What do the undead look for in a love match?
First of all, we don’t like the word “match.” It brings up too many, shall we say, unpleasant memories. Sure, everyone’s having a good time with the ripping and the tearing of flesh, we don’t even stop if someone loses an eye (your mother DID warn you about that so stop being a baby) but some zombies just don’t know when to say when. It only takes a minute to re-enact Quest for Fire and the whole damn place goes up. Wait. What were we talking about again?
Thanks for those fiery insights into the zombie mind, Stacey! And now for the shameless promotion:
Undead Fred and his mouthpiece, Stacey Graham, can be found staggering at The Zombie Dating Guide [http://zombiedatingguide.com] and betwixt and between [http://staceyigraham.com] generally being a nuisance to people with zombie dating tips and assorted nonsense. Stacey’s short story, “Eye of the Beholder,” is featured in the zombie romance anthology “Hungry For Your Love,” releasing in bookstores September 28, 2010, and in the zombie-themed Christmas anthology, “The Undead That Saved Christmas,: where elves doo-doo that voodoo they do so well in “And To All a Good Fright.”
WZ note: Stacey will also be a panel speaker at Seattle’s ZomBCon 2010 over the Halloween weekend, so drop by and say hello!
Happy Birthday Melissa! You’ll receive several goody bags from the universe this week, but your Virgo superpowers of obsessive detail-checking means you’ll quickly separate the tasty brownies from the flaming dog poop. Enjoy the treats, and share the tricks with the person who scribbled dirty limericks in your Day Planner. Your year ahead will be busy; your time will be devoured faster than a cheap pizza in a college dorm, but like those anchovies, you’ll keep coming back, time after time. Hang on, because those belches of success will burp you straight to the top.
Aries: On Monday, you’ll be like a pan of Jiffy Pop: someone keeps turning up the heat to get a rise out of you. They shouldn’t be surprised when you blow your top, but you could lose some kernels when they drop you like you’re hot.
Taurus: All you want is some recognition, but the universe keeps calling you “Brunhilda” and sending you generic junk mail. Slap a ‘Hello, My Name Is’ tag on your soul and start shaking some karmic hands.You’ll be a celestial household name in no time.
Gemini: Now is not the time to ask yourself how you got in this mess, just take the tuxedo off the monkey and hide until the police helicopter quits buzzing overhead. Next time, you’ll know not to buy wine from the 99-cent shop.
Cancer: It takes a lot of little things going wrong to make one big thing go oh-so-right, so quit crying over spilled milk, skinned knees and missed TV shows. You should focus on blonde, brunette or redhead instead.
Leo: If you hit a bump in the road, don’t be a drama queen and call for a Sherpa, three mules and some freeze-dried spaghetti. You’ll be able to scale this obstacle just fine on your own and you’ll enjoy the sense of accomplishment.
Virgo: Hold on, because this will be one of those weeks that Builds Character. Unless you have a 20-sided die and a nerdy friend with a wizard hat, it will be a challenge.
Libra: Just when you learn all the steps, someone changes the dance. Put on your best smile and calmly threaten the DJ with any manner of Bruce Lee-related violence until he switches the music back. A good one-inch punch can do wonders for your breakdancing skills.
Scorpio: Not saying that you make a lot of excuses, but you have more alibis than Paris Hilton at a traffic stop. Money and looks may get you out of trouble, but it can’t buy you out of stupid. Work off some karma before your luck runs out.
Sagittarius: Lonely? Calling 911 and reporting a wild badger gnawing your face is not a good way to meet people. Get out there and meet someone the old-fashioned way: run over some toes with your grocery cart and awkwardly compliment hotties on the particularly fine melons or sausage they’re carrying.
Capricorn: No fluffy fortune cookie will predict your mood this week; it will take Magic 8-Balls of Steel to deal with what’s coming your way. Good thing you have Chuck Norris on speed dial, right?
Aquarius: Some days you’re the Captain of the Enterprise, other days you’re just Red Shirt #3. This week you’re a little of both, so hang on to your Tribbles.
Pisces: One good thing about treading water for so long; you have some incredible leg strength. When your toes touch ground Tuesday, use it to climb ashore and kick someone’s ass until they notice you.
September 20-25 will be Zombie Week here at Wisecrack Zodiac! Special events include:
- Interview with Stacey Graham, creator of the Zombie Dating Guide website and featured author in the upcoming Hungry For Your Love zombie romance anthology and The Undead That Saved Christmas anthology
- A Zombie Horoscope Contest sponsored by Stacey and the Zombie Dating Guide! Winner of the funniest, snarkiest forecast for the undead receives a copy of Hungry For Your Love!
- Interview with Lyle Perez, creator of the Undead in the Head website and editor of The Undead That Saved Christmas
It will be a ghoulishly fun week, so practice those ‘scopes!
Tired of good guys having all the fun? Enjoy the personal horoscopes of some of Twitter’s best bad boys: @EmperorFranzen, @EvilWylie, @DarthVader and @CobraCommander.
@EmperorFranzen: After the Time cover and iPad commercial, you have unseated Howard Stern as the King of All Media, but the one thing you desire most just won’t happen. It’s for the best. If you actually saw Oprah in that skimpy Leia costume, you would staple your cloak shut. Instead, send Jennifer Weiner some green body paint and see if she’s open to the whole Orion slave girl thing. Could be a fun weekend.
@CobraCommander: That nasty mask rash won’t heal unless you get some fresh air. Take a vacay near the filming of ‘Jersey Shore.’ You won’t be the most evil, deformed scaly thing around, so you can relax in total anonymity. Wait a minute, have you and Snooki ever been seen together? Hmmm…
@EvilWylie: Stay on constant alert for the next few days. Your boss could be on the verge of reaching out to the female writing community, and he will need you to knock the olive branch out of his hand. If you don’t, you’ll end up working for Glenn Beck. The chalk dust will irritate your asthma and the unbridled crazy will irritate your tiny, black soul.
@DarthVader: The force is strong with a pitcher of margaritas you encounter at the Dark Side company picnic this weekend. Fortunately, you discover footage of you chasing R2D2 and chanting “Tap that keg!” before it’s posted online. That handy ability to choke camera-bearing minions means that what happens on the Death Star, stays on the Death Star.