Aries: Not even Peter Piper could pick the pickled predicament you’re in. Pimp up a peace offering, and if the pissed person doesn’t take it, feel free to pee a little before you’re pummeled with your own pepper.

Taurus: You’re going to have something on Tuesday that’s rarer than a naked hot chick on Chatroulette: an actual, honest-to-goodness lucky break. Enjoy your good fortune, then frame it, scrapbook it or blog it so everyone will be jealous.

Gemini: If you see a light at the end of the tunnel, relax. But if you see a lot of lights and the theme from ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind,’ run! You’ll either escape an anal probe or a cheesy sequel.

Cancer: Your toast lands butter side down all week long, which shouldn’t happen unless you’re slathering on the spread with an electric mixer. Save your bakery goods and have a breakfast burrito instead.

Leo: That desire for attention combined with a need to play hard-to-get means you’re flashing back and forth faster than a guy with a trenchcoat and a schedule. Either button up or do some emotional streaking and be done with it.

Virgo: Good fences make good neighbors, but sound-proofing makes even better neighbors, especially when they have a sixteen-year-old with a drum set and no rhythm. Buy some vodka, too; it makes even Justin Bieber listenable.

Libra: If you are your brother’s keeper, then the zoo has really gone downhill or the family mutation has hit new heights of freakiness. Don’t worry about taking him to the doctor; right now, you can sell those disease-free eggs for a pretty penny.

Scorpio: Trying to stuff everything you want into your tiny budget is like watching a 400 lb. woman put on a pair of bike shorts. Sure, it’s entertaining, but something’s gotta give.

Sagittarius: When life kicks you in the nuts, slap a smile on your face and tell everyone you’re going to your happy place. No one needs to know your happy place is stocked with beer, video games and Cheetos.

Capricorn: Learning the truth is a lot like dodgeball. You might get away unharmed, but it’s unlikely. Don’t worry about the truth setting you free, just pack on some ice to make the welts go down.

Aquarius: On Friday, you’re captivated by a sparkling treasure; remember, not all that glitters is gold. Sometimes it’s just a vampire needing a smack upside the head with a shovel.

Pisces: A cosmic light shines on the path to good fortune this week.  Keep a pair of Blues Brothers-strength sunglasses handy, in case it happens while driving. It’s harder to follow your bliss with a cop stuck on your bumper.