Aries: You can’t expect everything to come up roses when all you lay down is crap and no seeds. Try planting a few lovely ideas in your secret garden and watch something lovely unfold.

Taurus: A sudden burst of energy will grab you on Tuesday; you’ll either clean the toilet or go windsurfing. Both options will make waves in crystal blue water.

Gemini: Hear that crackle and pop? When you shine for others all the time, you’re gonna end up with a few burnt out bulbs. Turn off the marquee and enjoy some contemplation in the dark; you could even find a friend under the covers.

Cancer: Lately you’ve been like Britney Spears’ underwear; you just can’t stay on. Next time you feel yourself sliding toward the floor, tie a knot in your own elastic. It might sting, but it’ll cover your assets.

Leo: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Virgo: You’re definitely feeling the love on Wednesday; in fact, you’re about to file a restraining order against karma for inappropriate behavior. Take a few deep breaths, and point out on the psyche where the universe touched you.

Libra: Your luck will peak on Friday, from 2:35 to 2:37 p.m. This would be a great time to let someone see you in a bikini or Speedo. Make it quick, though, because those pumpkin thighs are coming back at 2:38.

Scorpio: Remember when you stuck your tongue to that frozen pole last winter? That’s the kind of stick-to-itiveness you’ll need to get that raise. At least you have a choice: left cheek or right cheek.

Sagittarius: Some days you walk the highway, other days you hike the path not taken. People think you’re well-traveled; no need to tell everyone you’re just in charge of weed whacking.

Capricorn: There’s more to a relationship than hot oil and cold beer. Sometimes it requires duct tape, too. Slap a strip over your own mouth, and you’ve save yourself a lot of time.

Aquarius: Did you think you would be a star by now? So did everyone else. But at least you pour that coffee with style, you sexy minx. Add a bagel to that order, too.

Pisces: Tired of success never showing up in your cards? Ask the universe to show you some moves; at the next poker game, you just might have an ace up your own sleeve.

Advertisements