1. Mel Gibson will form a band with Jesse James and Bombshell McGee and find a new career on the Bar Mitzvah circuit.
  2. Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton will make a pinkie pledge to quit booze and keep their panties on for one whole year.
  3. In order to rebel against their Facebooking, texting, Tweeting parents, teenagers will start passing notes written on paper and talking face to face again.
  4. A malfunctioning satellite sends a high-pitched whistle through every DVR and television in the country. This causes the entire population to wake up, realize that reality television is crap, and pick up a book.
  5. After Glenn Beck receives a Viagra prescription, he loses all interest in Hitler and starts a new life as a porn actor.
  6. The zombie apocalypse finally happens, and the undead take over government in Washington, D.C.  Once people see the zombies are an improvement, they’re all voted in for several terms.
  7. Betty White replaces Angelina Jolie in the role of a latex-clad dominatrix in a blockbuster movie. Elder S&M clubs pop up all over the country, with little old ladies snapping whips and yelling, “Who’s Your Granny?”
  8. Bill Gates, Ted Turner and Larry Ellison follow through with their pledge to give away their fortunes. They buy an RV and travel together across the country to personally hand every person $1,000 in cash.
  9. David Hasselhoff starts a career in politics. No one cares until he promises that if he becomes President, KITT will be Vice-President. Later on, KITT will leave the White House in disgrace when he’s found with two hot Corvettes in a secret garage tryst.
  10. Republicans and Democrats finally agree on a health care bill. The bill doesn’t mention doctors, hospitals or any other luxuries, but does include free Viagra, ibuprofen, Band-Aids, tequila and chocolate for everyone.
  11. Internet porn evolves as men get bored with outside appearances and become aroused by X-Rays of a nice, big set of lungs or a saucy CAT scan. College girls only receive beads at Mardi Gras if they flash their SAT scores.
  12. The world explodes in a giant fireball on December 21, 2012. Survivors discover James Cameron rigged the globe-ending stunt for a movie scene that he claims will be “three times as brilliant as Avatar.” The remnants of humanity spend their last days on Earth kicking his ass before the Vulcans finally arrive.
Advertisements