Photo credit: Helga Weber:

Aries: Forget the frying pan and the fire; you’ve jumped straight into the microwave. Hold that door and backtrack your way out, or you’ll explode like a five-minute burrito.

Taurus: A pack of wild garden gnomes steal all your underwear, and use them to sail their Viking bird bath flotilla to conquer an all-girls summer camp. You will be contacted in the official police inquiry.

Gemini: Your relationship with a particularly robust carrot will result in some time on the therapist’s couch discussing your mother. Remember, you can love to garden, but you shouldn’t love what’s in your garden. Or, at least, not THAT much.

Cancer: Tuesday sings with fairy wings, but it makes an ‘Zzzt!’ sound when it hits the bug zapper. Maybe you should dial down the power before your whole weekend gets stuck in there.

Leo: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: slap ‘em on the Internet for $39.95 and the suckers, er, followers, will line up.

Virgo: There’s a 20 percent chance you’ll win the lottery by hooking up a Ouija board to a Magic Fingers bed for the winning numbers, but a 90 percent chance you’ll be sued by a psychic representing a ghost suffering from shaken spirit syndrome. Better stay home.

Libra: Good news! You find a pair of clean socks in the back of the drawer. Bad news: After you slip them on, you suddenly realize where that mouse met its maker.

Scorpio: You’re filled with chutzpah and panache, but don’t worry, a few doses of heavy-duty cough syrup will clear that right out. Try to get the old-school kind with alcohol; it makes your co-workers much more interesting.

Sagittarius: There are many ways to win your sweetie’s heart: making a bust of them from Nacho Cheese Doritos and fudge is not one of them. Undoing your recent mistake will involve sparkly jewelry not found in a cereal box.

Capricorn: You can lead, follow, get out of the way, or open up a fried ice cream stand and sell tasty treats to all the suckers still standing in line. That way, you’re the one parting the fools and their cash.

Aquarius: The powers of the universe are mighty: they can sweep the stars or scrawl on your Facebook page. If you see a message from karma, do what it says or you could be up to your zamboni in zombie fingers.

Pisces: You’re feeling silly, but don’t apologize for that. Many important people have been silly, they just haven’t had the manners to admit it. When the nightcrawlers who say ‘ni’ show up at your door, invite them in for tea.