Aries: Your job performance takes a dive when you see a special hottie
on Thursday. If an idle mind is the devil’s playground, that divine
booty you’re considering is the horny one’s bouncy house. Try to stay
busy or you’ll end up on Workmen’s Comp again.

Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing
gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears.
There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and

Gemini: You’ll finally get a punchline from a joke told to you in
1994. Unfortunately, your out-of-the-blue belly laughs will come at a
very inappropriate moment, and your sweetie will never do that kinky
thing you love ever again.

Cancer:Like a carny at a state fair, sometimes the universe knows
you’ve had enough. Hop off the ride for a while, and that lunch of
cotton candy and fried butter won’t spew all over you and your loved

Leo:On Friday, you’ll have a sudden experience with a badger, four
lemons and an old copy of Time magazine that will change the way you
look at toilet paper forever.

Virgo: Looking for new career challenges is fine, but your plan to
jump over your boss’ desk by turbo-charging the mail cart may not be
your best idea. Re-write the employee handbook to include wombat
maternity leave; that will be more than enough excitement.

Libra: Clashing with a co-worker? You may have an axe to grind, but
sharpen those wits first. A well-placed comment is mightier than both
pen and sword. If sarcasm won’t bring him to his knees, a groin hit

Scorpio:There’s nothing wrong with growing older, but when you’re
shouting those sweet nothings at your honey, you sound like an outtake from the Jerry Springer show. Either get a hearing aid or discover the text message—your neighbors will thank you.

Sagittarius:Have you been swinging to extremes lately? Go tickle a
psychic, because you could use a happy medium.

Capricorn:You’re facing a tough situation, but it’s like playing golf
with a zombie: keep your brains about you, slice if you have to and
you’ll win, hands down.

Aquarius:Someone’s stealing the spotlight, but you’ll do well as
second banana. Watch out next time, though, or you’ll end up as a
third orange or a fourth kiwi.

Pisces:You’ve been without good news for so long, when you see a
bright spot you think you’re having a stroke. Take it easy, you’re not
meeting your maker, just a good business partner.