Aries: You’re usually like morning coffee: hot, strong and scorching a
lot of laps. This week, though, you’re upping your game to espresso,
so be prepared to see a lot of trembling in your presence. Give those
poor suckers a break, they can’t help but be addicted to you.

Taurus: New ideas don’t sneak up on you often, so when a winning proposition gooses you on Tuesday you might need to change your
underwear as well as your thinking.

Gemini: An ill wind blows into your life on Sunday, but don’t worry;
it’s just looking for some TheraFlu and hot chicken soup.  Take care
of it, and it will blow some good fortune your way.

Cancer: If you ask for help tending your garden, you’re likely to get
all fertilizer and no water. Cut the crap and plant your own seeds of
wisdom. No one knows your back forty like you do, especially after
that lonely summer at camp.

Leo: You’re handing out advice like it’s Cinnabon coupons: tasty and
nourishing. In reality, that counsel is about as tempting as a
six-month-old rest stop vending machine cookie. Freshen up your
recipe, and people may come back for more.

Virgo: You’ll have a touch-and-go Tuesday, a slap-and-tickle Saturday
and a Friday so grabby you’ll want to sue it for sexual harassment.
Maybe you picked the wrong week to debut those booty shorts and a tube
top.

Libra:The journey of a lifetime often begins with a single step. But
if you don’t have the right pair of strappy heels for walking off the
beaten path, just stay home and hop on the Internet. You can travel
the world and be emotionally damaged right in the comfort of your own
living room.

Scorpio: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they do open the door for a
fantastic weekend. Keep a bag handy with the essentials; ice, baby
oil, and strawberry jam.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can enjoy that golden egg, but why not get
dressed up and go find the farmer with a flock of those geese? One
gander at your gams and he’ll honk only for you.

Capricorn: Feeling out of place? You’re like Mel Gibson teaching an
anger management class.  That attitude is a lethal weapon, so either
find your inner cool or hide your rage where no one will notice: get a
job in the Fox Newsroom.

Aquarius: Your imagination is running faster than a pack of wild
hamsters. Creativity is nice, but those furballs could be making you
some money. Grab a wheel and a vodka-filled sippy bottle and get some
work done.

Pisces: No matter how low you feel, there’s always someone who feels
worse; mainly because you can’t see  your own butt in those jeans.
Hit the treadmill, because the endorphins and the exercise will do you
good.

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