You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2010.
Aries: Not even Peter Piper could pick the pickled predicament you’re in. Pimp up a peace offering, and if the pissed person doesn’t take it, feel free to pee a little before you’re pummeled with your own pepper.
Taurus: You’re going to have something on Tuesday that’s rarer than a naked hot chick on Chatroulette: an actual, honest-to-goodness lucky break. Enjoy your good fortune, then frame it, scrapbook it or blog it so everyone will be jealous.
Gemini: If you see a light at the end of the tunnel, relax. But if you see a lot of lights and the theme from ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind,’ run! You’ll either escape an anal probe or a cheesy sequel.
Cancer: Your toast lands butter side down all week long, which shouldn’t happen unless you’re slathering on the spread with an electric mixer. Save your bakery goods and have a breakfast burrito instead.
Leo: That desire for attention combined with a need to play hard-to-get means you’re flashing back and forth faster than a guy with a trenchcoat and a schedule. Either button up or do some emotional streaking and be done with it.
Virgo: Good fences make good neighbors, but sound-proofing makes even better neighbors, especially when they have a sixteen-year-old with a drum set and no rhythm. Buy some vodka, too; it makes even Justin Bieber listenable.
Libra: If you are your brother’s keeper, then the zoo has really gone downhill or the family mutation has hit new heights of freakiness. Don’t worry about taking him to the doctor; right now, you can sell those disease-free eggs for a pretty penny.
Scorpio: Trying to stuff everything you want into your tiny budget is like watching a 400 lb. woman put on a pair of bike shorts. Sure, it’s entertaining, but something’s gotta give.
Sagittarius: When life kicks you in the nuts, slap a smile on your face and tell everyone you’re going to your happy place. No one needs to know your happy place is stocked with beer, video games and Cheetos.
Capricorn: Learning the truth is a lot like dodgeball. You might get away unharmed, but it’s unlikely. Don’t worry about the truth setting you free, just pack on some ice to make the welts go down.
Aquarius: On Friday, you’re captivated by a sparkling treasure; remember, not all that glitters is gold. Sometimes it’s just a vampire needing a smack upside the head with a shovel.
Pisces: A cosmic light shines on the path to good fortune this week. Keep a pair of Blues Brothers-strength sunglasses handy, in case it happens while driving. It’s harder to follow your bliss with a cop stuck on your bumper.
Since 2010 Dragon*Con is coming up soon, it’s the perfect time for some Klingon horoscopes. So pour some bloodwine, get comfy, and see what the week has in store!
Saturday: Today is a good day to die. Or to recite some love poetry. Either way, you could be screwed.
Sunday: Spend some time unwinding with fresh gagh and stale opera. No, there will not be any fighting for glory on this day, so don’t get your forehead in a bunch; this week will challenge you quite well.
Monday: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Expect to gain much strength in line at the DMV today.
Tuesday: Your foe will challenge your authority over the photocopier. Sharpen your bat’leth and prepare for battle.
Wednesday: A date night goes wrong when you and your mate have different definitions of ‘polishing the torpedo.’ Not everyone has a strict weapons maintenance schedule like you, so make up by breaking a few walls together.
Thursday: You see an opportunity for advancement, but be warned: the Klingon way of promotion is only approved on this world for bankers, lawyers and politicians. And extremely annoying celebrities.
Friday: Your friend requests on QaplaBook are piling up fast because everyone wants you around when the zombie apocalypse comes. They know that throwing zombies at a Klingon is like sticking a hot dog in a window fan. When it all goes down, keep your blades sharp and let the parts fly.
Aries: You can’t expect everything to come up roses when all you lay down is crap and no seeds. Try planting a few lovely ideas in your secret garden and watch something lovely unfold.
Taurus: A sudden burst of energy will grab you on Tuesday; you’ll either clean the toilet or go windsurfing. Both options will make waves in crystal blue water.
Gemini: Hear that crackle and pop? When you shine for others all the time, you’re gonna end up with a few burnt out bulbs. Turn off the marquee and enjoy some contemplation in the dark; you could even find a friend under the covers.
Cancer: Lately you’ve been like Britney Spears’ underwear; you just can’t stay on. Next time you feel yourself sliding toward the floor, tie a knot in your own elastic. It might sting, but it’ll cover your assets.
Leo: It’s great that you see room for improvement in your life, but you’re rather wild with that hammer. Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.
Virgo: You’re definitely feeling the love on Wednesday; in fact, you’re about to file a restraining order against karma for inappropriate behavior. Take a few deep breaths, and point out on the psyche where the universe touched you.
Libra: Your luck will peak on Friday, from 2:35 to 2:37 p.m. This would be a great time to let someone see you in a bikini or Speedo. Make it quick, though, because those pumpkin thighs are coming back at 2:38.
Scorpio: Remember when you stuck your tongue to that frozen pole last winter? That’s the kind of stick-to-itiveness you’ll need to get that raise. At least you have a choice: left cheek or right cheek.
Sagittarius: Some days you walk the highway, other days you hike the path not taken. People think you’re well-traveled; no need to tell everyone you’re just in charge of weed whacking.
Capricorn: There’s more to a relationship than hot oil and cold beer. Sometimes it requires duct tape, too. Slap a strip over your own mouth, and you’ve save yourself a lot of time.
Aquarius: Did you think you would be a star by now? So did everyone else. But at least you pour that coffee with style, you sexy minx. Add a bagel to that order, too.
Pisces: Tired of success never showing up in your cards? Ask the universe to show you some moves; at the next poker game, you just might have an ace up your own sleeve.
- Mel Gibson will form a band with Jesse James and Bombshell McGee and find a new career on the Bar Mitzvah circuit.
- Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton will make a pinkie pledge to quit booze and keep their panties on for one whole year.
- In order to rebel against their Facebooking, texting, Tweeting parents, teenagers will start passing notes written on paper and talking face to face again.
- A malfunctioning satellite sends a high-pitched whistle through every DVR and television in the country. This causes the entire population to wake up, realize that reality television is crap, and pick up a book.
- After Glenn Beck receives a Viagra prescription, he loses all interest in Hitler and starts a new life as a porn actor.
- The zombie apocalypse finally happens, and the undead take over government in Washington, D.C. Once people see the zombies are an improvement, they’re all voted in for several terms.
- Betty White replaces Angelina Jolie in the role of a latex-clad dominatrix in a blockbuster movie. Elder S&M clubs pop up all over the country, with little old ladies snapping whips and yelling, “Who’s Your Granny?”
- Bill Gates, Ted Turner and Larry Ellison follow through with their pledge to give away their fortunes. They buy an RV and travel together across the country to personally hand every person $1,000 in cash.
- David Hasselhoff starts a career in politics. No one cares until he promises that if he becomes President, KITT will be Vice-President. Later on, KITT will leave the White House in disgrace when he’s found with two hot Corvettes in a secret garage tryst.
- Republicans and Democrats finally agree on a health care bill. The bill doesn’t mention doctors, hospitals or any other luxuries, but does include free Viagra, ibuprofen, Band-Aids, tequila and chocolate for everyone.
- Internet porn evolves as men get bored with outside appearances and become aroused by X-Rays of a nice, big set of lungs or a saucy CAT scan. College girls only receive beads at Mardi Gras if they flash their SAT scores.
- The world explodes in a giant fireball on December 21, 2012. Survivors discover James Cameron rigged the globe-ending stunt for a movie scene that he claims will be “three times as brilliant as Avatar.” The remnants of humanity spend their last days on Earth kicking his ass before the Vulcans finally arrive.
Aries: Forget the frying pan and the fire; you’ve jumped straight into the microwave. Hold that door and backtrack your way out, or you’ll explode like a five-minute burrito.
Taurus: A pack of wild garden gnomes steal all your underwear, and use them to sail their Viking bird bath flotilla to conquer an all-girls summer camp. You will be contacted in the official police inquiry.
Gemini: Your relationship with a particularly robust carrot will result in some time on the therapist’s couch discussing your mother. Remember, you can love to garden, but you shouldn’t love what’s in your garden. Or, at least, not THAT much.
Cancer: Tuesday sings with fairy wings, but it makes an ‘Zzzt!’ sound when it hits the bug zapper. Maybe you should dial down the power before your whole weekend gets stuck in there.
Leo: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: slap ‘em on the Internet for $39.95 and the suckers, er, followers, will line up.
Virgo: There’s a 20 percent chance you’ll win the lottery by hooking up a Ouija board to a Magic Fingers bed for the winning numbers, but a 90 percent chance you’ll be sued by a psychic representing a ghost suffering from shaken spirit syndrome. Better stay home.
Libra: Good news! You find a pair of clean socks in the back of the drawer. Bad news: After you slip them on, you suddenly realize where that mouse met its maker.
Scorpio: You’re filled with chutzpah and panache, but don’t worry, a few doses of heavy-duty cough syrup will clear that right out. Try to get the old-school kind with alcohol; it makes your co-workers much more interesting.
Sagittarius: There are many ways to win your sweetie’s heart: making a bust of them from Nacho Cheese Doritos and fudge is not one of them. Undoing your recent mistake will involve sparkly jewelry not found in a cereal box.
Capricorn: You can lead, follow, get out of the way, or open up a fried ice cream stand and sell tasty treats to all the suckers still standing in line. That way, you’re the one parting the fools and their cash.
Aquarius: The powers of the universe are mighty: they can sweep the stars or scrawl on your Facebook page. If you see a message from karma, do what it says or you could be up to your zamboni in zombie fingers.
Pisces: You’re feeling silly, but don’t apologize for that. Many important people have been silly, they just haven’t had the manners to admit it. When the nightcrawlers who say ‘ni’ show up at your door, invite them in for tea.
Aries: Your job performance takes a dive when you see a special hottie
on Thursday. If an idle mind is the devil’s playground, that divine
booty you’re considering is the horny one’s bouncy house. Try to stay
busy or you’ll end up on Workmen’s Comp again.
Taurus: It’s always a good idea to beware of strange men bearing
gifts, but you should really watch out for those gifting bears.
There’s no room for a grizzly in your apartment, unless it cooks and
Gemini: You’ll finally get a punchline from a joke told to you in
1994. Unfortunately, your out-of-the-blue belly laughs will come at a
very inappropriate moment, and your sweetie will never do that kinky
thing you love ever again.
Cancer:Like a carny at a state fair, sometimes the universe knows
you’ve had enough. Hop off the ride for a while, and that lunch of
cotton candy and fried butter won’t spew all over you and your loved
Leo:On Friday, you’ll have a sudden experience with a badger, four
lemons and an old copy of Time magazine that will change the way you
look at toilet paper forever.
Virgo: Looking for new career challenges is fine, but your plan to
jump over your boss’ desk by turbo-charging the mail cart may not be
your best idea. Re-write the employee handbook to include wombat
maternity leave; that will be more than enough excitement.
Libra: Clashing with a co-worker? You may have an axe to grind, but
sharpen those wits first. A well-placed comment is mightier than both
pen and sword. If sarcasm won’t bring him to his knees, a groin hit
Scorpio:There’s nothing wrong with growing older, but when you’re
shouting those sweet nothings at your honey, you sound like an outtake from the Jerry Springer show. Either get a hearing aid or discover the text message—your neighbors will thank you.
Sagittarius:Have you been swinging to extremes lately? Go tickle a
psychic, because you could use a happy medium.
Capricorn:You’re facing a tough situation, but it’s like playing golf
with a zombie: keep your brains about you, slice if you have to and
you’ll win, hands down.
Aquarius:Someone’s stealing the spotlight, but you’ll do well as
second banana. Watch out next time, though, or you’ll end up as a
third orange or a fourth kiwi.
Pisces:You’ve been without good news for so long, when you see a
bright spot you think you’re having a stroke. Take it easy, you’re not
meeting your maker, just a good business partner.
Aries: You’re usually like morning coffee: hot, strong and scorching a
lot of laps. This week, though, you’re upping your game to espresso,
so be prepared to see a lot of trembling in your presence. Give those
poor suckers a break, they can’t help but be addicted to you.
Taurus: New ideas don’t sneak up on you often, so when a winning proposition gooses you on Tuesday you might need to change your
underwear as well as your thinking.
Gemini: An ill wind blows into your life on Sunday, but don’t worry;
it’s just looking for some TheraFlu and hot chicken soup. Take care
of it, and it will blow some good fortune your way.
Cancer: If you ask for help tending your garden, you’re likely to get
all fertilizer and no water. Cut the crap and plant your own seeds of
wisdom. No one knows your back forty like you do, especially after
that lonely summer at camp.
Leo: You’re handing out advice like it’s Cinnabon coupons: tasty and
nourishing. In reality, that counsel is about as tempting as a
six-month-old rest stop vending machine cookie. Freshen up your
recipe, and people may come back for more.
Virgo: You’ll have a touch-and-go Tuesday, a slap-and-tickle Saturday
and a Friday so grabby you’ll want to sue it for sexual harassment.
Maybe you picked the wrong week to debut those booty shorts and a tube
Libra:The journey of a lifetime often begins with a single step. But
if you don’t have the right pair of strappy heels for walking off the
beaten path, just stay home and hop on the Internet. You can travel
the world and be emotionally damaged right in the comfort of your own
Scorpio: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they do open the door for a
fantastic weekend. Keep a bag handy with the essentials; ice, baby
oil, and strawberry jam.
Sagittarius: Sure, you can enjoy that golden egg, but why not get
dressed up and go find the farmer with a flock of those geese? One
gander at your gams and he’ll honk only for you.
Capricorn: Feeling out of place? You’re like Mel Gibson teaching an
anger management class. That attitude is a lethal weapon, so either
find your inner cool or hide your rage where no one will notice: get a
job in the Fox Newsroom.
Aquarius: Your imagination is running faster than a pack of wild
hamsters. Creativity is nice, but those furballs could be making you
some money. Grab a wheel and a vodka-filled sippy bottle and get some
Pisces: No matter how low you feel, there’s always someone who feels
worse; mainly because you can’t see your own butt in those jeans.
Hit the treadmill, because the endorphins and the exercise will do you