Aries: Think you’re ready for the big event? Think again; you’re a few pretzels short of a party mix, not to mention the condition of your nuts. Pull yourself together or you’ll end up the untouched platter at the potluck.

Taurus: Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. Teach him to surf the Net, and he’s out of your hair for days. Just occasionally hose him off and throw cheese puffs at him, and you’re set.

Gemini: If the universe is a circus, then your week is like a clown car: it’s packed with weird people with no sense of style. Don’t let the Bozos get you down, or you’ll never get all the cotton candy out of your hair.

Cancer: When you come to a fork in the road, choose a direction instead of just waiting and hoping that karma will toss the rest of the good silver at your feet. Even if you do catch a few spoons, they all have hot dates with the Blue Willow boys.

Leo: Just when you think you’ve been battered enough, life turns up the heat and makes you rise to the occasion. Don’t worry, sometimes you have to break a few eggs to bake up an awesome stud muffin.

Virgo: The world is your oyster: wet and slimy with a noticeable lack of pearls. If that opportunity has been waiting out in the sun for a while, pass it over or you’ll be regretting it all night long.

Libra: There’s a fine line between love and hate, but your indifference has been laid out by a steamroller. Muster up some emotion for a project before your ambition is paved over.

Scorpio: You’ve found the love of your life, but do they feel the same way? Watch closely for clues, and all will become clear when the restraining order arrives.

Sagittarius: You may be the the big dog in the yard, but a Chihuahua just peed on your foot and stole your kibble. Sniff out the problems now before you end up on the short chain of command.

Capricorn: Feeling like an open book, but no one wants to lick their fingers and turn your pages? Write some hot action into your story and they’ll keep you up all night until the end.

Aquarius: Finding crayons in the dryer is fine; finding them after you’ve run three loads is not. Don’t worry, there are four words to make your outlook as bright as your new blouse this week: Back-to-school sales.

Pisces: Looking for inner calm? Go out to the garden, gather some veggies, and meditate while making a healthy green smoothie. After all, everything’s better when you can visualize whirled peas.