Aries: Wanna be top dog? Fine, but even Lassie had to learn some new tricks. Quit sniffing tails and bone up on your hoop-jumping skills if you want to keep that pimped-out doghouse.
Taurus: When life gives you lemons, don’t worry about lemonade; those little pucker-makers will be all in a row in karma’s slot machine, and the taste of a little good fortune is oh-so-sweet.
Gemini: Every journey begins with a single step, but you’re skipping, hopping and crab-walking your way through adventure. You’ve got style, but taking a shortcut to success through the Ministry of Silly Walks may require a knee brace.
Cancer: On Thursday, you’ll finally find the remote control under the cat bed. It doesn’t work on the TV, no matter how hard you push the buttons, although the neighbor’s garage door keeps going up and down for apparently no reason at all.
Leo: Letting it all hang out on Friday means you’ll receive some compliments, a few job offers and one physically improbable proposition. Ratchet those suspenders up to Urkel-level before someone’s sweet words get you into trouble.
Virgo: You’ll wake up Friday looking like a Project Runway reject. Next time, don’t nap during summer vacation when the kids have access to glue guns, Fruit Roll-ups and a camera.
Libra: On Saturday, it’s the little things that matter, like your bank account or your patience, both of which are shrinking faster than a sheet cake at a weight loss seminar. Keep sweating the small stuff, and you’ll build those fiscal muscles in no time.
Scorpio: You’re definitely swinging some wood in the game of love, but you’re not making it to home plate. Back off the fastballs for a while, and find someone who just enjoys a good seventh inning stretch.
Sagittarius: If you’re going in circles, just remember: not all who wander are lost. Some, like you, are just trying to remember where they parked the car. Situations like this are when a ‘General Lee’ paint job really pays off.
Capricorn: Running nonstop? If you don’t slow down, you’ll be used up faster than a can of tuna at the crazy cat lady’s house. Enjoy some downtime and don’t ask for whom the canopener growls; it growls for you.
Aquarius: You like to stay trendy, but at your age, a Dora the Explorer t-shirt isn’t ironic; it’s evidence that will land you on ‘To Catch A Predator.’ Stay hip by starting a band that everyone will ignore.
Pisces: Don’t treat your goals like snooty princesses by placing them on impossible pedestals; envision them as evil lackeys who work best if you slap ‘em around a little bit. If you don’t test those dreams, the universe will definitely give them the Dr. Evil treatment.