Put down those sparklers and blow up your future with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Forget about being a diamond in the rough; polishing up your one big point isn’t going to make you priceless. You, are, however, like a chunk of quartz crystal: you make a lot of little points, and if people believe, you can heal some scratches or improve TV reception.
.

.
Taurus: Some days you’re the dandelion, some days you’re the weed whacker. Spread your fuzzy little opinions on every breeze this week, before someone tries to cut you off at the knees with the string of doom.

.

.

Gemini: The twins of Gemini are moving so fast, some might mistake you for the Octomom. Slow down to your usual two lightspeed personalities, before you get the urge to puff your lips and pose for the paparazzi.

.

.

Cancer: News travels fast, bad news travels faster, which is exactly how time travel is invented on the Internet. Keep your announcement to yourself for a few more days, unless you want a blogger from Argentina mocking your pain with emoticons and capital letters.

.

.

Leo: Forget what commercials say; life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty cool while it lasts. Don’t throw out some great moments just because they’re a little irregular.

.

.

Virgo: You can either have a smile that lights up a room, or stress-induced heartburn that lights up your chest like an old E.T. doll. It’s your choice, but grinning and letting stuff go means you can sell your stock in Rolaids.

.

.

Libra: You’re trying to find your center and gain inner calm, but is your core made of soft, delicious caramel or hard, crunchy lollipop? If you can’t decide, find a friend to give your soul a taste.

.

.

Scorpio: Forget Cupid and his dainty arrows; this week he’s gunning for you with an automatic paintball rifle. Use your ninja moves to dodge his aim. Otherwise you’ll find out that love not only hurts, it leaves a welt.

.

.

Sagittarius: Not happy with what you see in the mirror? Put your money where your mouth is, and get those lips plumped. Sure, you’ll look like Mick Jagger after a bee attack, but you’ll be oh-so-kissable. And you’ll serve as your own floatation device if knocked overboard.

.

.
Capricorn: Resist temptation on Thursday. Not all doors should be opened, let alone kicked down. You just might see your folks doing something you’ve only heard about on the Internet, and there’s not enough therapy in the world to fix that.

.

.

Aquarius: On Wednesday, you’re feeling groovier than an 1980s mixtape. Crank up your bass, mousse up those curls and jump for your love, baby.

.

.

Pisces: On Friday, a physicist discovers a black hole in your fridge. Use this to your advantage and finally get rid of that fruitcake Aunt Edna gave you in 1998; if no one will eat it in this reality, maybe some sucker will try it in a parallel universe.  If you hear a muffled scream while sticking your head in the freezer compartment, someone took the bait. Or a frozen ham hock fell over on your temple.

Advertisements