Light the fires and kick the tires! It’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac! Come on in, we don’t bite….much.

Aries: You’re offered a life-altering opportunity on Tuesday. Before you jump in, think about whether you really need a change. If that cosmic diaper is whiffy, go ahead, but if not, why waste a clean, dry second chance before you need it?

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Taurus: The fruit of your hard labor shows up this week, but instead of sweet victory, you find a crate of sour grapes. Check the shipping label closely; if it’s not addressed to you then you might be snatching defeat from the jaws of success.

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Gemini: Usually you’re like one of those kinetic energy flashlights: you shine brightest when you’re shaken up. But on Thursday you glow like a nuclear firefly when good news turns you on.

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Cancer: Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry, and they’ll up the dosage on your meds, so watch that late-night viewing of “Steel Magnolias” with the lights out, or you’ll be drooling on the carpet by Friday.

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Leo: The problem with life in the fast lane is there’s nowhere to pull over and have a picnic. Get off the interstate and find a nice, quiet dirt road to cruise for a while before you end up as the hood ornament on a Peterbilt.

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Virgo: You’ve hatched a plan to get someone’s goat, but what will you do with it? Unless you need your lawn trimmed or some cheese, leave that nanny alone and pull a prank with less livestock involved.

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Libra: There is a 67.8 percent chance you will break a nail on Wednesday, so have the acrylic glue, an emergency kit, and the paramedics on standby. To ensure your survival, hire a scantily-clad cabana boy to dial the phone for you until the crisis passes.

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Scorpio: Your favorite poem comes to life, which could be haunting or majestic if ravens or trees are involved, but if it involves Nantucket, you might need penicillin.

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Sagittarius: It’s been so long since you went out, the last party outfit you wore included parachute pants and  a Members Only jacket. Plan an outing, but do everyone a favor and let someone else pick your wardrobe.

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Capricorn: Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a can of SPAM: no matter what you make out of it, it’s still going to taste a little funky, and there’s always some weird stuff hanging off the ends.

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Aquarius: Something wonderful will happen. You haven’t seen good news in so long, it might scare you, but running away just means it has to chase you down and that would really freak you out.

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Pisces: If someone tells you that you’ve made your bed so  lie in it, make sure it’s a four poster with 57 comfy pillows, a wet bar and a TV/DVR combo installed. What’s the point of staying in bed if you don’t have vodka or cable?

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