Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times you find it lurking with a telephoto lens outside your window. Don’t be alarmed, it’s just trying to get a better look at your assets. Slap on some Underoos and go outside to catch your big break.
Your outlook is like a packet of dried sea monkeys; you need water to expand your horizons. Meet new people at the beach–not only will it broaden your views, it will also teach you the importance of checking moles regularly.
Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.
If people give you strange looks during a conversation, you could be talking out of your own butt again. If you can’t induce colon laryngitis, invest in a few thongs and gag that gossiping tush.
That fortune cookie was right. You are talented and well respected…in bed. Now add some smarts to the mix, because kung pao chicken isn’t a feathered superhero, and crab rangoon isn’t contagious.
If you’re looking for answers, forget the guru on the mountaintop and listen to your little inner voice for wisdom. Besides, all the guru wants is a ride back down the mountain for a quick beer and porn run.
If you were any sexier, Sean Connery would want to wear you as cologne. Point that mojo toward your significant other and make ‘em forget this week’s episode of “Glee.” OK, wait until after the show, because this might be the Streisand episode.
Bored of your hometown? Before you head off to the bright lights, remember: when you live in a one-horse town, the dung is easy to avoid. Add a few thousand more horsey patoots, and you’ll step in crap no matter where you go.
If you can’t achieve your dreams, do the next best thing: lower your expectations. Finishing a perfect round of putt-putt golf is just as good as winning the Masters. Extra bonus: no mistresses, and no vengeful wife with her hands on your putter.