Summer getting you down? Cool off with a frosty mug of Wisecrack Zodiac!

ARIES
Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times you find it lurking with a telephoto lens outside your window. Don’t be alarmed, it’s just trying to get a better look at your assets. Slap on some Underoos and go outside to catch your big break.

TAURUS
Your outlook is like a packet of dried sea monkeys; you need water to expand your horizons. Meet new people at the beach–not only will it broaden your views, it will also teach you the importance of checking moles regularly.
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GEMINI
Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

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CANCER
If people give you strange looks during a conversation, you could be talking out of your own butt again. If you can’t induce colon laryngitis, invest in a few thongs and gag that gossiping tush.

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LEO
You normally have an attention span of a Rottweiler on Ritalin anyway, but you’re very easily distracted on Thursday. Watch out for scantily clad hotties, LOLcats and janitors with jangly keys.

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VIRGO
That fortune cookie was right. You are talented and well respected…in bed. Now add some smarts to the mix, because kung pao chicken isn’t a feathered superhero, and crab rangoon isn’t contagious.

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LIBRA
If you’re looking for answers, forget the guru on the mountaintop and listen to your little inner voice for wisdom. Besides, all the guru wants is a ride back down the mountain for a quick beer and porn run.

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SCORPIO
If you were any sexier, Sean Connery would want to wear you as cologne. Point that mojo toward your significant other and make ‘em forget this week’s episode of “Glee.” OK, wait until after the show, because this might be the Streisand episode.

SAGITTARIUS
Bored of your hometown? Before you head off to the bright lights, remember: when you live in a one-horse town, the dung is easy to avoid. Add a few thousand more horsey patoots, and you’ll step in crap no matter where you go.

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CAPRICORN
Friday looks like a really great day. Clear skies, spare money, no zits. If you manage to avoid that pileup with three clowns, two unicycles and a cranky weasel, you should be fine.

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AQUARIUS
If you can’t achieve your dreams, do the next best thing: lower your expectations. Finishing a perfect round of putt-putt golf is just as good as winning the Masters. Extra bonus: no mistresses, and no vengeful wife with her hands on your putter.

PISCES
The world can be your oyster, but who wants that? Ew, slimy. Instead, let the world be your Twinkie: golden, yummy, and can last forever.

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