I’m sensing a disturbance in the Force…it must be Wisecrack Zodiac! Let’s go see!

Aries: Just when a ray of sunshine comes along, you can’t find the sunblock. Examine the terms of that bright patch before you get burned, because even SPF 100 can’t protect against stupid.

Taurus: You’ve spotted a mermaid, but hang on before you call CNN; could this be the gill of your dreams or have you accidently locked yourself in the mall Disney Store again?

Gemini: Some lives, when played by the cosmic orchestra, become beautiful symphonies. Yours is a dirty limerick set to the tune of “Beer Barrel Polka.” Try to hit some better notes, or at least work up a funnier punchline.

Cancer: That 2:30 appointment will be full of surprises; no one ever expects a lapdancing I.R.S. agent; usually they strip you, not the other way around. Congrats on the show, but keep your hands on your own assets, just in case.

Leo: Your plans for world domination go horribly awry when all your minions point the rocket launchers the wrong way. Next time, forget the rag tag army and order a new evil empire from Sears before trying to conquer Starbucks.

Virgo: The universe is delicate, intertwined puzzle. The beating of a butterfly’s wings means you’ll lose your wallet, get a wedgie at your high school reunion and have your heart broken by a limping Spaniard. So find that butterfly and tell him to knock it off.

Libra: That desire for the finer things in life is fulfilled on Tuesday. It may not mean a new car, fancy house or fresh wardrobe, but you might be able to afford name-brand Froot Loops instead of generic Fruitee Loopers.

Scorpio: Just because your dream about naked, old zombies taking over Congress came true doesn’t mean you’re psychic. It just means you watch the news. Lay off the TV and the garlic & chocolate popovers before bed, and you’ll be fine.

Sagittarius: Your quiet, button-down mind has a rowdy, spandex-clad ego struggling to burst out. Before you seek therapy, indulge it in the spotlight with shallow actions and rude comments: how do you think celebrities are made, anyway?

Capricorn: You think you’re rockin’ the house, but you have a better chance of becoming Beyonce’s booty call than taking your act on the road. Just enjoy being the best ‘Rock Band’ video game champ on your block; small ponds are quite comfortable, actually.

Aquarius: Thursday brings you success, passion, acknowledgement and ice cream. Unfortunately, you only know how to handle the ice cream and spend the rest of the day under the bed. Oh well, life is a rocky road, or at least a bowl of it.

Pisces: You’ve consulted the tarot, read the tea leaves, opened the fortune cookies: all signs say yes, you just have to work hard and make that dream happen. Yeah, you knew there would be a catch.

Advertisements