Adjust that Speedo and come on in: the water’s fine at Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You think you’re playing bumper cars with a Big Wheel, but check again: you’re really playing chicken with a logging truck. No time for safety belts, so pull over and hope that butt pucker will hold you fast to the seat.

Taurus: Some days you’re the woodpecker, some days you’re the hollow tree. Either way, getting your head stuck in a knothole will be a conversation-starter on Tuesday.

Gemini: Not every good deed receives cosmic parade, so don’t expect flying beads for putting the toilet seat down. If you lend a hand where needed, though, you might hear a one-kazoo salute.

Cancer: You’re a born homebody, so when you decide to suddenly live La Vida Loca this Saturday night, use some caution or you might be getting La Shot Penicillin on Monday, and La Photos de Blackmail on Tuesday.

Leo: Comparing apples to oranges is one thing, but throwing in a moldy mango every time your co-workers aren’t looking makes for a very nasty fruit basket. Step up to top banana status and sweeten the pot, or you’ll receive a lot of raspberries.

Virgo:  That workout plan is going so well, not only can you bounce a quarter off that booty, you can bend over backwards to pick up the change. If you wear those skinny jeans on Friday, expect to witness a few minor traffic accidents and one unfortunate piñata-wedgie event.

Libra: Don’t worry about giving bad news to someone; a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but so does Unlimited Margarita Night at Taco Pete’s. And hey, if they don’t remember anything the next morning, bonus points for you.

Scorpio: They say all you need is love, but if you try to pay your electric bill that way, you could get arrested. Try to find some work that doesn’t require handcuffs, garter belts and a latex rutabaga; you’ll have fewer stalkers.

Sagittarius: It may sound like fun to make the whole family into a Bavarian glam rock band covering the music of Taylor Swift, but certain spouses and children may disagree. Accept their decision, and strike out on tour to make your fortune. They’ll enjoy the vacation.

Capricorn: You’re having a spot of trouble, and this week gets harder than Charlie Sheen at a cheerleaders convention. Ignore the bouncing pom-poms and just focus on the exit sign until your head is clear again.

Aquarius: Plan carefully for date night this week; you’re thinking “Boogie Nights,” but you’re actually going to get “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Try some stretching first, and maybe book a room near a Capricorn for extra inspiration.

Pisces: Your mojo doesn’t swing like a hardwood putter; it skitters like a psychotic spider, jumping on people’s heads when they least expect it. No matter how it happens, people are dazed by you, whether you know it or not.

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