This is a test of your emergency humor system…so come on in so we can whack that funny bone at Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries:  There must be a lot of partial donkeys stuffed in your closet, because you are the master of the half-assed scheme.  Let those ideas develop a little more before letting them loose on the general public this week.

Taurus: Introspection is key on Tuesday when you realize your career path looks like it was built by a gaggle of drunken garden gnomes. Pack off those elves to rehab and discover the shiny, printed world of self-help books.

Gemini: Prepare for fame when inspiration strikes on Wednesday and you invent the first 80 proof mojito cupcake, allowing people to have their cake and drink it, too.  While showing I.D. to get into a bakery may suck, folks will finally look forward to office birthday parties.

Cancer: Life is usually a big bowl of cherries for you, but you get extra points this week for doing that freaky trick with your tongue. You’ll leave everyone tied in knots and feeling slightly dirty.

Leo: There’s a quiet side to you, but it sees the light of day so rarely, it’s practically translucent. Take it out Tuesday and give it some fresh air, before it shrivels up and gets crunchy.

Virgo: Variety is the spice of life, but the only flavor on your karmic shelf is a lonely salt shaker. Get out and mix it up with some jalepeno hotties, a handful of basil, or maybe even-gasp-a pinch of oregano. It doesn’t have to be tasty, just wild enough to make some brain-searing fun.

Libra: Life’s questions are getting you down, but relax. If you had all the answers, you’d be Oprah, and two Oprahs can’t exist in the same dimension without a massive implosion. Answer what you can, and deal with the big issues the same way as everyone else: with fortune cookies.

Scorpio: An opportunity lands in your lap, and you’re buzzing with anticipation. Take a few moments to enjoy the action, then snatch it up before the excitement fades; treat it right and keep it charged, because this could be a top drawer item.

Sagittarius: You’re so good at hiding your troubles, some may think your life is too easy. Share some burdens this week; that way, if people claim you live in an ivory tower, you can tell them you’re just there for the awesome wi-fi.

Capricorn: You’re looking for a challenge to ram your head against, but that target up ahead isn’t the immoveable object: it’s your boss, bent over a cliff. Resist your instincts; very few employers hand out promotions after falling sixty feet, Wile E. Coyote-style.

Aquarius: A new, strange situation pops up on Wednesday, and you feel more out of place than Stephen Hawking at a poetry slam. Loosen up and grab the mike, because you can rock both black holes and berets.

Pisces: When you fall into a rut, you start decorating it and ordering pizza delivery. Crawl out and find a new path, one that leads to success instead of eight straight hours of HGTV.

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