Having a bad sign day? Straighten out those karmic frizzies with Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: Those two left feet pay off when you fall into a pothole filled with luck on Tuesday. It may sting, but stumbling into good fortune is better than walking straight into a sliding glass door. Next time the universe smiles on you, watch out: it could be a crotch shot of opportunity.
Taurus: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.
Gemini: On Wednesday, you feel more pathetic than a stripper pole in a retirement home. Pull yourself up by your own g-string, tie your droopy butt cheeks in a knot and dance your blues away. Remember, no one’s laughing at you, they’re just clawing to get out the door.
Cancer: Wanting a little excitement in your life is one thing, but stealing Donald Trump’s hairpiece and releasing it into the wild may be too much. Keep it in a hamster ball instead.
Leo: Handcuffs are in your future Saturday night: it could mean a bad party or a really good night at home. Either way, you’ll want to brag the next day.
Virgo: You’ve been flashing hot and cold so often lately, you have all the fireflies excited. Pick a mood and stick with it before you accidentally start a global insect revolution.
Libra: True, not all who wander are lost; some are just captivated by the last season of ‘Sex in the City’ on the in-car DVD player. In that case, it’s totally acceptable to goose them with the bumper until they pull over, and move on with your day.
Scorpio: You’ve had some failures in the past, but this new idea goes over like a case of bubble wrap at a Riverdance rehearsal. Step lively and enjoy the satisfying snap of success.
Sagittarius: Your craziest wish will come true on Wednesday, so make an appointment with the therapist for Thursday to deal with the aftermath of hang-gliding ninja monkeys with tasers.
Capricorn: That inner wisdom should be shared with family & friends. After all, you’ve forgotten more about life than they will ever know. Too bad that the only parts you remember involve margarita recipes and Pong strategies.
Aquarius: A dark cloud has been floating over your head, but hang in there: Friday is filled with sunshine, cookies and Beatles tunes. Even you can’t mess this day up.
Pisces: When one door closes, another one opens, and there’s usually someone standing in it trying to sell you something. Channel your inner seven-year-old and slam it shut. Opportunity can leave a brochure in the door handle.