Woo-hoo! A new week, and new forecasts in Wisecrack Zodiac! Come one in!
Aries: You’re no stranger to pain, but even your hardened limits will be tested when you chaperone your kid’s party and are exposed to hours of squealing about Justin Bieber and cute shoes. Tough it out, champ, and you could receive the Purple Heart, which will match your bleeding, bruised eardrums.

Taurus: You have a lofty goal set for this week, but getting there will be like floating on a life raft of ramen noodles: you’ll get bogged down in deep waters, but at least you’ll have something to chew on. Remember to pack those seasoning packets and a spork.

Gemini: Look up on Thursday at 3:18; you’ll be showered with change, and smacked with several dollar bills. Either an ATM just exploded next to you, or someone up there really likes your new thong.

Cancer: A bird in the hand may beat two in the bush, but if you squeeze any of them too hard, you’re going to have a mess. Give up on canary-clutching and just head to KFC instead.

Leo: On Wednesday, all eyes are on you. Be more careful when you’re skateboarding in the Gorilla Glue and Glass Eye Store; after that fall, you look like something out of Clash of the Titans.

Virgo: Duck when you deliver that bad news on Tuesday. It’s poor sportsmanship to kill the messenger, but someone still might wing you. If you’re giving the news to Dick Cheney, all bets are off. Just call in sick.

Libra: You’re about to surprise your family in a big way. Break it to them gently with the drama of hand puppets, but don’t expect them to be hip. If Papa’s got a brand new bag, it’s merely to keep him from hyperventilating.

Scorpio: Lately, your love life has been like a deep-fried Twinkie: it’s all hot and squishy, but there’s not much stick to work with. Grab a bigger piece of wood and hit the oil again. This time, there will be more sizzle, less fizzle.

Sagittarius: Your awesomeness shines through like a spotlight at Lover’s Lane. Don’t stand next to steamed-up windows, or you could illuminate some embarrassing truths.

Capricorn: Today is not your day. It’s the universe’s day, which has kindly offered you a free ride. Don’t change the radio station, or you could end up at a New Jersey rest stop at midnight.

Aquarius: If your eyes are bigger than your stomach, you’re trapped in one of those sad-looking motel clown paintings. Break out of the box and find a Picasso to hang with; it always has the right angle.

Pisces: You’re a Gold Wings member on Flights of Fancy Airways, and your imagination is about to join the mile-high club. Relax and enjoy the free nuts.