Skip to my Lou, and my Fred, and George, too: it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You’ve been watching so much TV lately, you have all the animal magnetism of an insurance commercial. Put down the remote, pick up your sweetie, and push the right buttons; try to last longer than 30 seconds this time.

Taurus: Now that the storm is over, you’re ready to look for the rainbow. You may not find leprechaun’s gold, but you could find his beer. Hey, it’s a start.

Gemini: A little bird will tell you a deep, dark secret on Thursday. Act on the info immediately; if he told you, that magpie has spread it all over town. Really, who shares confidential stuff with a magpie?

Cancer: There’s a puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for weeks, but you just can’t find the solution. Best approach? Write it into a video game and let an 8-year-old deal with it; you’ll have the answer in no time and you’ll enjoy the added bonus of feeling like an idiot.

Leo: You may be all sizzle and no steak on Wednesday, but that’s okay; you’re just the ticket for a vegetarian on a diet. Drape yourself in some soy bacon, and you’ll be more than a mouthful.

Virgo: Being organized is your nature, but keeping so many lists means you need a list of the lists, and a list of those lists, too. Stop trying to record every little thought, need or action or you’ll end up in a giant game of to-do Tetris.

Libra: The sun shines on you this Friday, but don’t get your hopes up; that light just lets the birds know where to aim. Take an umbrella with you and defeat the mad pigeon bombers, otherwise your day will just poop out.

Scorpio: You’re at loose ends, and just can’t get a grip on yourself. Put away the lotion and go out with some friends, at least until the chafing stops. You’ll get a handle on the situation next week.

Sagittarius: There’s a fine line between love and hate, and you’ve strung enough barb wire and land mines along it to get invaded by U.N. peacekeepers. Take a step back and re-think your feelings, before Jimmy Carter shows up to negotiate.

Capricorn: That cooking skill of yours gets you some flattering attention at a BBQ event this Saturday. When someone says you’ve got a nice rack, just stick out your ribs and say thank you.

Aquarius: Good luck is with you on Tuesday, so remember to buy a lottery ticket that day. You may not win, but the state needs the cash.

Pisces: Your days whiz by faster than a See N’Say rigged with a turbo engine. Cut the string and enjoy some quiet spring days without that mocking cow noise.

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