April showers bring May flowers, but what does Wisecrack Zodiac bring for you? Let’s go see!

Aries: Something has your dander up, and it’s a situation not even Head & Shoulders can fix. You can get mad or get even. If you can’t get even, then just be odd. Your nemesis can’t divide and conquer oddness without decimals, and who has time for that?

Taurus: The universe is a practical joker, and a giant, flaming bag of doggie doo awaits outside your door on Thursday. If you trick someone else into stomping it out, there will just be a bigger, stinkier prank later on. Take the hit, scrape your shoes and laugh; karma will owe you one.

Gemini: Feel free to dance like nobody’s watching. Just remember, there’s a difference between Saturday Night Fever and Tuesday Night Rabies; otherwise, you might make people snort Mountain Dew out their noses.

Cancer: You say you don’t want to rock the boat, but you’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, take the hint and drop the drama.

Leo: Some see sarcasm as a rare spice to be sprinkled sparingly; you see it as a plentiful byproduct from the national resource of stupidity. Sharpen that tongue, because on Tuesday you’ll hit a gusher.

Virgo: Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.

Libra: After a debilitating Spandex accident on Friday, you take three asthmatic weasels, some Velcro and a jar of petroleum jelly and create the next fashion sensation. After you make your millions, remember to budget some of that green for tiny inhalers.

Scorpio: After a major setback, you’re bouncing back better than a trampoline artist with a boob job. Keep your head up and chest out: no matter what the future holds, you’re braced for impact.

Sagittarius: You’ve tried to be wild and free, but your homespun heart shines through. Face it, no one else has an oatmeal cookie recipe as a tramp stamp. Accept your apple pie status, because you’re one sweet slice.

Capricorn: Someone’s playing games, but they’re no match for your skills; you’ll sink their battleship before they even get on the board.

Aquarius: A good marriage is like a quality window: it keeps bad weather at bay and lets the sunshine in. A bad marriage is like a balsa-wood door: it can be torn down by a couple of big knockers. In either case, screening is important.

Pisces: Some write their history on elegant reams of parchment; your daily doings are scribbled on Post-It Notes.  Take comfort: if your story was on toilet paper, your posterity would end up on someone’s posterior.