Watching those celestial bodies? Move that telescope a little higher and study the warped sky with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries:  Wondering if this hookup is the real deal? If your honey loans you money, it could be serious. But if someone will shave your back and check you for ticks, it’s definitely love. Either way, you better be worth it.

Taurus: Every cloud may have a silver lining, but you’re looking for one with aluminum siding. Why? Because it’s freaking hard to stand a ladder up and paint that fluffball. If you’re spending most of your days on Cloud Nine, might as well make it durable.

Gemini:  You’re used to the voices in your head, but on Thursday they form a committee. Either get some stronger meds or bone up on Robert’s Rules of Order, before they form a task force.

Cancer: Making a decision on Wednesday is tougher than tap-dancing naked on alligators. It can be done, but it will tick off those underneath you and you could lose your junk. Stay lively or wear a stainless steel cup.

Leo: One day in this week will be gloriously perfect in every way. Enjoy it for the universal unicorn it is, and don’t complain later about how it could have been better or Karma will leave hoofprints in your scalp and a horn up your hoohoo.

Virgo: On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light, you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Libra: You’re a wizard with the hotties this week and you’ll see more action than the war against Mordor. Hang on, Gandalf, and watch where you whip out that staff. Not everyone wants to see Hobbits Gone Wild.

Scorpio:  Keep the Band-Aids handy, because you’re dropping bits and pieces faster than Heidi Montag at the plastic surgeon’s office. See a doctor, because either you’re a zombie or you should really stop getting your medical information from Wikipedia.

Sagittarius:  That tax check is coming soon; forget the wide-screen TV and go for a new wardrobe. Right now people look at you like fat-free chocolate: they know you exist, but they don’t think you have any taste.

Capricorn:  Love is a beautiful thing, but what you’re doing with the neighbor and that tub of lime Jell-O is just freaky.  Make sure the curtains are closed or you could end up as the most popular Pay-Per-View movie for guys in trenchcoats.

Aquarius:  Prepare to receive your second wind when you cook up a batch of thong-melting chili for the whole family. Third, fourth and fifth winds will follow, but that’s okay. A hairless dog is much easier to groom.

Pisces: Internet friends are a dime a dozen; give them your two cents worth. That’s more than enough value for the million Farmville requests you get on Facebook.