Forget that Magic 8-Ball, it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: When you point at someone, you have three fingers pointed back at you, plus a thumb and two toes you broke in that tragic Tetris accident. You’re freakier than anyone you’re pointing at anyway, so just smile and wave with that extra-long third nipple.

Taurus: You’ve been treading water so long, you can give Aquaman a run for his money. Rest those flippers, because some unexpected cash will wiggle in front of you and this time, there are no strings attached.

Gemini: If there’s a turd in your punchbowl, be warned- it’s just the brown drizzle before the crapstorm. Step lively, say ‘Hi-de-ho’ to Mr. Hankey and look at the bright side: it’ll be great for the garden.

Cancer: You have a distasteful task ahead, and you would take a cheese grater to your butt rather than do it. Get ready to drop trou, cheddar cheeks, because someone’s willing to take you up on the offer.

Leo: Who ordered the angstburger with a side of deep-fried stress and bacon? You did. Lay off the soul-clogging sustenance and try a leafy green meditation; you just might feel better. Keep the bacon, of course. Everything’s better with bacon.

Virgo: There’s a 40 percent chance of severe thunderstorms, but a 90 percent chance you’re going to be wrong tonight when you get home. Know which storm clouds to fear; rain will only get you wet, not post your intimate photos on Facebook.

Libra: Searching through last year’s coat pockets and buying lottery tickets is not a savings plan. It’s a future income strategy. Get your terminology right so you can properly chat up the liquor store clerk. Tomorrow you could be a millionaire. Or just hungry.

Scorpio: You’ll be startled when several British citizens rush up to you on Friday shouting “Que? Que?” It’s okay to run; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Sagittarius: It’s April; both the flowers and morons are in bloom. Sniff one and slap the other this Thursday. Before you get them confused, remember that the jonquils didn’t cut you off in traffic and it’s hard to get jackasses in a vase.

Capricorn:  Feeling lonely and looking for a treat? Think twice before chasing that tempting candy; a sticky situation will follow, and you’ll have to cut him or her off to get them out of your hair.

Aquarius: Ah, the mystery of two ships passing in the night! Before you hook your pontoon up, make sure the other craft is a long, sleek speedboat and not a dinky little dinghy.

Pisces: When everyone expects you to play “Duck, Duck, Goose,” warp their minds with a little “Peacock, Peacock, Phoenix.” Show your tailfeathers, have a meltdown and rise anew from the ashes. You never pull the diva treatment, but you’ve earned it.