It’s spring! Has your future sprung any surprises? Find out now with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries:  You’ve been feeling the heat more than a tanning bed on “Jersey Shore.” Unplug for a few days, or you could end up as walking human jerky. If that happens, you’ll have to deal with sudden urges to move to L.A. and get an agent.

Taurus: It’s good to examine your life, but no soul can withstand that much tweezer action.  Get down to the bare facts with a fast yank of cosmic hot wax rather than the slow tug of individual faults.

Gemini: Your moment is here, and the spotlight is trained on you like a Labrador with a squirrel. No time to hide your nuts now; get out on that branch, shake your tail and show ‘em all how it’s done.

Cancer:  On Friday, you arouse the ire of PETA and score a multi-million-dollar scientific grant when you inadvertently leave a TV on an E! Channel reality show marathon in a room full of goats.  The stunned, slobbering livestock are forever marked by the “Kardashian Effect.”

Leo: You’ve been saving up karma points like a nerd stocking up on Star Wars trading cards. On Wednesday, you’ll get the chance to cash in the whole set, improve your life and bring the Force to a deserving cosmic geek.

Virgo: Whoever said that having isn’t as good as wanting never stumbled across an unbelievable clearance sale on payday. Snap up those bargains; a great deal can keep you warm at night, especially if it’s battery-powered.

Libra: Keep that camera phone out on Monday. Thanks to a roller skate, a leather g-string and a blast of 1980’s nostalgia, you’ll finally achieve your fifteen minutes of fame, followed by two years of embarrassing conversations and awkward family dinners.

Scorpio: Your suspicions that something went awry at that wild party are correct, but don’t worry: the only side effects of being bitten by a were-mullet are an irresistible urge to sing “Achy Breaky Heart” during full moons plus a thirst for cheap beer and cheaper women. So, life stays normal.

Sagittarius: After watching too many hours of America’s Funniest Videos, you invent piñata underwear for quick, easy crotch hits. It sparks a national trend as men compete to see who has the biggest stick and you limp all the way to the bank.

Capricorn:  Staking your claim is fine, but remember: all that glitters isn’t gold. Sometimes it just means you’ve stumbled across another sparkly vampire. At least it’s worth a few bucks on eBay.

Aquarius: Date night gets slippery when the Kama Sutra is switched with the Paula Deen cookbook and the two of you nearly butter yourselves into a coma. The cholesterol meds only last a few weeks, but the fond memories last a lifetime.

Pisces: Quit wasting time with three wishes; you are the genie in the bottle, and your creativity is loose. Run with the power and tell those whining Aladdins to cork it for a while.

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