Will March blow out like an over-teased lion? Find out with this week’s Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Life may be all about the journey, but it’s hard to enjoy the drive when your tires are flat, the windows won’t roll down and the radio’s stuck on Taiwanese opera. Pull over for some soulful repairs before your engine explodes.

Taurus: You like to take things slow, but you’ve gone overboard. The only thing whizzing past in your house is an incontinent dog. Speed up your game before you get trash-talked by a gang of slacker snails.

Gemini: The great Zen masters could meditate for years in any weather; you can’t make it through an IHOP commercial.  Work on lengthening that attention span by listening to crazy people in the park. If nothing else, you’ll learn how to make a great tinfoil hat.

Cancer:  You’re feeling bolder than a new bag of Doritos, and your zest for life means no one’s putting you down.  Pass out some moist towelettes, because you can’t help leaving behind a spicy residue.

Leo:  Your week is packed with server errors and missing files; you’re facing a plague of actual gremlins in the system. Set out a saucer of whiskey and a tiny girlie magazine by the USB port. The tech issues will quit, although you may hear faint hiccups.

Virgo: On Tuesday, a surprise gift will make you happier than Lady Gaga in a curtain factory with a hot glue gun.  Joy is a freaky new look for you, but you’ll make it work.

Libra: Feeling nervous? It could be due to that 88-year-old stalker behind you with a taser. Breathe easy if you remembered to return that Curious George book in third grade; if not, run!

Scorpio: If you can’t see the forest for the trees, ask a friend to drive you around until you replace those contact lenses. Otherwise, you’ll act like a birch and run over someone’s ash.

Sagittarius: You’ve bitten off more than you can chew, and now you need a helpful Heimlich from a true friend.  Spit out the attitude and accept the aid; don’t worry, humble pie has no calories.

Capricorn: Take that fortune cookie slip, staple it to Wednesday’s lottery ticket, tape it to a four-leaf clover and rub the whole package against the seventh son of a cross-eyed thong inspector and you know what you have? Another day without your taxes done.

Aquarius: Loose cash will be near your feet all week; pay attention, and your pockets will be bulging more than Charlie Sheen at a Hooters waitress convention.

Pisces: A station’s miscalculation in radio frequencies means that your Bluetooth earpiece picks up nothing but Neil Diamond songs for three days. You’ll either grow sideburns and sing ‘Cracklin’ Rose’ or you’ll crack up. Sadly, no one notices either way.

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