Will your virtual life give you a digital wedgie? Find out with this week’s forecast in Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: When you shoot your mouth off, you’re taking cheap shots with some expensive ammunition. Click your tongue into safety and count to 100. Not only will life be quieter, but your fourth grade math teacher will be impressed.

Taurus: You’re so stable, mud wasps are spackling a nest on your shoulder blade; on Friday, a bee will finally buzz into your bonnet, launching you into action with your stinger hanging out for all to see.

Gemini: You’ll identify the rational, logical choices in your life and skid in between them at 90 miles an hour while doing a wheelie. If you crash, take comfort that your friends posted it on YouTube, so at least you’ll be a warning to others.

Cancer: A taste of spring has everyone excited, but you’re showing more skin than a Celebrity Fit Club weigh-in. Tube tops and Daisy Dukes are bad choices for a windy March day, whether you’re male or female.

Leo: Everything is not written in stone; sometimes it’s spelled out in Silly Putty, so quit chiseling at blocks to get the answer you want, sit down and have some fun. Karma makes an awesome play date.

Virgo: You’re rubbing up against some strict limits, and it chafes. Relax, occasionally rules are meant to be not only broken, but snapped like gym class towels. Get your own end wet and administer a little terrycloth justice.

Libra: Tuesday will be a lucky day; none of your tires go flat, the dog doesn’t drag home a rabid ferret, no one shaves your head in your sleep and all your kids stay out of jail. After the last few weeks, this may be a welcome change.

Scorpio: You’re piecing together a mystery, but it’s more twisted than placing Col. Mustard with a lead pipe in the strip club. When the only answer left is impossible, you’ll end up with a blockbuster book deal.

Sagittarius: If your mama told you there would be days like this, she had one doozy of an imagination. Deal with reality as best as you can, and buy your Mom some Cocoa Puffs. Surely she has the munchies by now.

Capricorn: On Wednesday, nothing makes sense: dogs live with cats, reality stars are fully dressed and polite and politicians get sensible things done. Check your mailbox for cash, because anything could happen.

Aquarius: If you’re a shining example to friends and family, it’s only because your kids buffed you with a Sham-Wow while you napped on the couch. Roll with it and buy some new threads to reflect your sparkling image.

Pisces: On Thursday, you’ll find the answer to life, the universe and everything. Too bad you’ve not only forgotten the question, you’d rather spend a few hours on Facebook taking quizzes anyway.