Need to know what belly laughs this week brings? Quit pleading with the Pleiades and zoom in with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: This weekend could be awkward when you’re discovered gluing cheese slices to your thighs and doing a naked bologna dance with a well-known wiener in the back yard. Blame it all on cabin fever and enter cold cuts rehab.

Taurus: There’s a sparkle in your eyes and a spring in your step; you should really get that bare wire on the lamp fixed before you touch it again. On the bright side, you won’t need a perm for a while.

Gemini: Relax, everyone’s not out to get you. There’s just five or six at best, and most of those are family. Living well is the best revenge, although greasing the car door handles comes in a close second.

Cancer: Falling in love is like diving into a vat of marshmallow cream: it’s sweet but hard to shake off, and it gets up your nose. Carry some wet wipes with you, because you’re going to get splattered.

Leo: You’ve always believed that the morons around you should be clearly identified. On Thursday, you’ll be tempted to turn your back on a few and raise your tail. Once they’ve been marked by a lion, they usually keep their distance.

Virgo: You find new joy in your work with a package in the mail. Inside? A bright, new attitude and a remote controlled farting machine; both will make the days pass faster.

Libra: Ignore those who say you have feet of clay. You may move slowly, but they’ll be envious of your high-heeled hotness once your volcanic spa treatment and pedicure is done.

Scorpio: Someone does a good deed, but they have more motives than the cast of an Agatha Christie novel. Stay in the light, watch your wallet and write your schemer into a corner. The pen is mightier than the sword, especially if you flick him in the head with it.

Sagittarius: A mysterious envelope turns up on your desk, full of cash and a cryptic note about holding your feet to the fire. Relax, the only threat is your spouse’s hysterical laughter when you realize it’s the heating bill payment you set out last night. Seriously, buy some ginko tablets.

Capricorn: Clouds may have silver linings, but it’s difficult to stuff a storm into an ATM for deposit. You’ll only enjoy a shower of gold after you’ve worked up enough elbow grease to earn it.

Aquarius: Getting back into dating is like dropping a zombie into a pack of werewolves; you’re not fresh meat, but you’re still likely to get nibbled a little. Be brave, dab on a little A-1, and see if anyone has good taste.

Pisces: When confronted with open doors, you usually pick a locked, two-story window. Put away the ladder and choose an easy opportunity; there’s no banana peel waiting across the threshold.

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