It’s the year of the tiger, don’t get buried in the kitty litter! Dig out with Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: Into every life a little rain must fall, but you’ve been dodging golf-ball-size hail for a while now. A good attitude will take you far, but if you let a smile be your umbrella, some teeth could get knocked out. Stay indoors, because the storm is nearly over.

Taurus: Your caregiver mode kicks into gear this week. Remember: feed a cold, starve a fever, ignore a temper tantrum .If the hysterics elevate, sell the Xbox and cell phone on eBay, and buy yourself some peace and quiet.

Gemini: Your soul was meant to fly, but will you soar like an eagle, or circle like a buzzard? Leave dead issues alone; if you pick at them, you won’t curry favor, just carrion breath.

Cancer: Some believe in building a better mousetrap, but you’ve turned mad scientist and created a mutant mega-mouse. A massive rodent army that follows your every move had better be worth it, because you’ll never be allowed in a good restaurant again.

Leo: It’s natural to crave the sun’s rays on your face; after all, it is the solar system’s biggest spotlight. When you don’t see blue sky, grab a few clouds by the tail and create your own place to shine.

Virgo: You’ve been crankier than a rattlesnake in a thong; quit shaking your tail or you’ll only make the wedgie worse. Accepting help to untangle your butt out of trouble is easier than you think.

Libra: You’re used to the universe smiling down, so when it sneezes on you instead, all you want is to wash your hair. Karma’s headcold won’t last long, although you might want to wear a hat until it’s gone.

Scorpio: This week you’ll make a discovery that will either change the world or destroy it; just depends on how much cheese you use. Go for the good stuff: if it explodes, the entire continent will be one tasty fondue pot.

Sagittarius: Do someone else’s chores and give someone a breather. Remember, if you throw on the straw that breaks the camel’s back, you’re likely to be run down by a revenge-seeking dromedary wheelchair gang.

Capricorn: You’ve opened your mouth and inserted your foot so far, you can kick your tonsils. Make it right; little things mean a lot, especially when they’re measured in carats.

Aquarius: It’s fine to live your life out loud as long as you don’t crumble buildings with the bass knob. Cut it to a dull roar after 9 p.m. when people are watching Law & Order. Besides, you can’t stay awake past the late news anyway.

Pisces: There’s a fine line between love and hate, and someone is pointing a big Sharpie right at you. Quit sniffing that ink and grab a gallon of Liquid Paper in self-defense.

Advertisements