Slap on those leg warmers, and let’s go maniac-dancing into the future; it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: You’re crowing over a recent accomplishment, but a fox in the henhouse may grab you by the chicken tenders. Stay cool and don’t get your feathers ruffled; you’ll be the cock of the walk again soon.
Taurus: Keeping a security blanket close is fine, but you’ve stapled the entire bed to your forehead. Quit hiding under the covers and be brave; the bogeyman has problems of his own, so you’re in the clear.
Gemini: Your mood takes more twists and turns this week than a M. C. Escher canvas in a washing machine. If you can’t commit to wholesale happiness, find the fine line in between and grab a balancing bar; your tightrope act will be appreciated by the whole family.
Cancer: Just when you have the decorations just right amid the perfect backdrop, someone comes along to shake your snowglobe. Laugh it off and come out of your shell, because the best memories are the imperfect ones, even for crabs.
Leo: Sure, you are the finest example of grace under pressure, but it would be easier if you didn’t turn up the heat yourself. Dignity and the spotlight rarely go hand-in-hand; just ask Jon and Kate Gosselin.
Virgo: You may see nothing efficient or practical about a lampshade on your head, but that may be exactly what you need right now. Suck it up, cowboy, and slap on that new 100-watt hat; just remember to let your hair down first, so it doesn’t scorch.
Libra: You’re smoother than a chocolate-oil body rub, but even your charm school ways are challenged by an Animal House candidate. Don’t write off this slob too soon; opposites do attract, especially if your calendar has been empty most Friday nights.
Scorpio: That famed mojo of yours is set on high, so just make up your own horoscope, and play it like a fortune cookie saying: end it ‘in bed.’
Sagittarius: Being in the right place at the right time is great, but you’ve somehow found the wrong dimension. Keep working on that cosmic timing, and you’ll strike all cherries on the karmic slot machine soon.
Capricorn: You’re swinging for the top prize, but that particular piñata is empty. Instead of taking the bat to the one dangling the donkey, focus on the positive: at least you didn’t smack a hornet’s nest.
Aquarius: Compassion is one thing, but not every Dr. Jekyll can be saved from turning into Mr. Hyde. Use that kindness on things you can change, like global warming or the outcome of American Idol.
Pisces: Lately, you’ve been in the air more than a one-legged bully kicking tail. Sure, the parking spots are great, but you should come down to earth before someone steps on your toes.