Forget that fortune cookie and plan your week of chuckles with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Hardheaded? Your brain has more security than Gitmo but this week, a band of crazy ideas may infiltrate and crack it open so the thoughts can run free. Don’t worry, this bout of open-mindedness will only last a few minutes before the trained attack opinions arrive.

Taurus: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you and pounds on the door in the middle of the night, get a restraining order and delete your Facebook page.

Gemini: Asking for the universe’s protection is fine, but if you suddenly find yourself surrounded on all sides by beams of white light, make sure you’re not meditating in the intersection again.

Cancer: Getting back on track doesn’t always mean you’ll end up zooming in NASCAR; sometimes you just end up in a road rally of drunk unicyclists. Relax and roll with the vodka-and-fruit punches; you’ll find the fast lane soon enough.

Leo: You love playing mad scientist, but this experiment may blow up in your face. Quit poking the mutant zombie Jell-O with a sharp stick before you become known as the idiot who started the Flesh-Eating Fruit Salad Revolt. On the other hand, it does sound pretty cool.

Virgo: You may always ride on the straight and narrow, but that will change after an encounter with an egg beater, a vibrating Snuggie and a fermented carton of orange juice. Keep track of the camera because memories may fade but photos can last a lifetime.

Libra: When you enter a room, every head turns. It could be your hotness, or it could be that tornado warning siren you’re using as a ringtone. Drop the twisters and let your natural assets blow everyone over.

Scorpio: You’re enjoying a ship passing in the night, but keep that lifeboat handy. Someone’s singing that Titanic love song and a big iceberg called commitment is drifting into your shipping lane.

Sagittarius: If you really wanted to hear all the answers, you’d get married or ask a kid. Sometimes ignorance is more than bliss, it’s a good survival technique.

Capricorn: Leading a logical life is a worthy goal, but even Spock let his hair down occasionally. Get your pointy ears off the practical path with some fun this weekend, before you snap and start singing Klingon folk songs.

Aquarius: A homemade holiday season is wonderful, but you’re one step away from Bedazzlers Anon. Step back from the glitter and enjoy some time with the family. You made them, too, and they shine just as bright.

Pisces: Don’t worry if you’re a one-track train in a multi-tasking world. Doing one thing at a time is so quaint, it’s practically trendy. At last, you’re with the ‘in’ crowd!