Yee-hah! Hey y’all, watch this, because it’s time Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You don’t have to bite the hand that feeds you, but after Monday, you’re tempted to nibble on a knuckle or two. Find out the facts before you snap, or you’ll discover that no matter how much you chew, there’s always room for your own foot in your mouth.

Taurus: Perspective is more than just a lesson in Art 101; instead of painting yourself into a corner, step out of the canvas and look around. You’re just a part of the bigger picture, so quit trying to sign a masterpiece.

Gemini: You think you know how things will turn out, but just remember; hope springs eternal, but Eureka Springs in constant corkscrews, so Thursday’s outcome is anyone’s guess.

Cancer: If you always keep your head down and hustle for success, you’ll end up with a bad back and sore feet. Shuffle out of your routine and get in the sun before someone mistakes you for a zombie or Lindsay Lohan.

Leo: There’s nothing wrong with shooting for the moon, as long as you have a really long fuse so sparking won’t cause your powder to explode too quickly. Boasting a long fuse will help you in any endeavor, actually, so wave it proudly.

Virgo: You’ve been steamed so much lately, people keep coming up to you and asking for espresso. Relax and let go of the small stuff, or start charging $7.50 for a double mocha latte with sprinkles. Your choice.

Libra: You may feel like a pair of Care Bear undies in a leather thong world, but don’t worry. Your easygoing, upbeat style will be hot again after everyone tires of having their rump roasts strung up for a while.

Scorpio: There could be a promotion if you play your cards right but know your fellow players well; having a straight during five-card stud could take on a whole new meaning if you can’t keep their clubs out of your hand.

Sagittarius: You’ll have so much good luck this week, people will suspect you’re shacking up with a bunch of leprechauns. Let them talk; what happens at the end of the rainbow, stays at the end of rainbow.

Capricorn: You’ve made some bad decisions before, but this one trumps eating three bowls of chili before playing Twister with the Brazilian bikini team; there will be explosive, image-scarring side effects.

Aquarius: Feeling too old for hot monkey love? Nonsense. Schedule some quiet time to share a banana with your sweetie, and you’ll be back to your tail-swinging ways in no time.

Pisces: Your patience would make Mother Teresa look like Mel Gibson; hang in there, because that payoff has arrived and it’s definitely better than Lethal Weapon 3.

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