Is the moon rising in your house, or are you just happy to see me? It’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You may think a new challenge is easier than shooting fish in a barrel, but no one has told you that several guppies are packing Glocks. Think things through before you go all ‘Die Hard’ on Nemo’s scaly little butt.

Taurus: If you knew then what you know now, you would have played Powerball a lot more. Quit pining for a pimped-out DeLorean and make the best of today with a sweet drive in your Daewoo, because the journey makes the trip worth it.

Gemini: There’s a twinkle in your eye, and it’s not just because you forgot your sunglasses again. An unexpected joy has you lit up like a candelabra, but there’s no rush to spill your secret; enjoy that glow for a few minutes before you’re front page news.

Cancer: You’re feeling hotter than a homemade tamale, and looking for someone to peel back your corn husk and take a bite. Before you head out for a good shucking, pack a few antacids for protection; you may be spicier than anyone can handle.

Leo: Time doesn’t always flow like a stream; sometimes it drips down like Chinese water torture. Before you try to fix the tap, take a moment to relax, so you’ll be ready when the pipe bursts.

Virgo: If you received everything you wanted, life would be boring and you would be insufferable. Relish those humbling challenges; that’s the universe’s way of ensuring you have friends, family and no vandalized property.

Libra: Is the recession getting you down? Remember, it’s the little things that matter, like your paycheck, benefits and employer’s gratitude. Hmm, maybe you should brush up your resume.

Scorpio: Ready to take a little vacation? You may think you’re off like a prom dress, but your troubles will still stick to you like a duct tape chastity belt. Solve some of those problems before you disappear in the limo and you’ll be fine.

Sagittarius: You’re even-tempered, but oddly shaped, which means it’s hard to find pants that fit, but you don’t get mad about it. Hey, you could have worse problems; cherish those knock knees.

Capricorn: Something is hard to swallow, but once you do, listen to your gut. After a few days, this too shall pass.

Aquarius: On Thursday, watch for strange men bearing gifts. Go ahead and snatch the presents, just keep an eye on the presenter; no one should trust a man sharing a car with bears.

Pisces: You’ve been the star of the show lately, and now you’re ready for a few quiet months locked in your dressing room. Before you reach for the sweat pants and TV remote, step out and take one more bow. You’ve earned it.

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