Is the moon rising in your house, or are you just happy to see me? It’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: You may think a new challenge is easier than shooting fish in a barrel, but no one has told you that several guppies are packing Glocks. Think things through before you go all ‘Die Hard’ on Nemo’s scaly little butt.
Taurus: If you knew then what you know now, you would have played Powerball a lot more. Quit pining for a pimped-out DeLorean and make the best of today with a sweet drive in your Daewoo, because the journey makes the trip worth it.
Gemini: There’s a twinkle in your eye, and it’s not just because you forgot your sunglasses again. An unexpected joy has you lit up like a candelabra, but there’s no rush to spill your secret; enjoy that glow for a few minutes before you’re front page news.
Cancer: You’re feeling hotter than a homemade tamale, and looking for someone to peel back your corn husk and take a bite. Before you head out for a good shucking, pack a few antacids for protection; you may be spicier than anyone can handle.
Leo: Time doesn’t always flow like a stream; sometimes it drips down like Chinese water torture. Before you try to fix the tap, take a moment to relax, so you’ll be ready when the pipe bursts.
Virgo: If you received everything you wanted, life would be boring and you would be insufferable. Relish those humbling challenges; that’s the universe’s way of ensuring you have friends, family and no vandalized property.
Libra: Is the recession getting you down? Remember, it’s the little things that matter, like your paycheck, benefits and employer’s gratitude. Hmm, maybe you should brush up your resume.
Scorpio: Ready to take a little vacation? You may think you’re off like a prom dress, but your troubles will still stick to you like a duct tape chastity belt. Solve some of those problems before you disappear in the limo and you’ll be fine.
Sagittarius: You’re even-tempered, but oddly shaped, which means it’s hard to find pants that fit, but you don’t get mad about it. Hey, you could have worse problems; cherish those knock knees.
Capricorn: Something is hard to swallow, but once you do, listen to your gut. After a few days, this too shall pass.
Aquarius: On Thursday, watch for strange men bearing gifts. Go ahead and snatch the presents, just keep an eye on the presenter; no one should trust a man sharing a car with bears.
Pisces: You’ve been the star of the show lately, and now you’re ready for a few quiet months locked in your dressing room. Before you reach for the sweat pants and TV remote, step out and take one more bow. You’ve earned it.