Grab your chains and guard your brains, it’s the Halloween Edition of Wisecrack Zodiac! Come on in, don’t mind the creaking door…

Aries: You’re bewitched, bothered and bewildered, but it’s not some seasonal hocus-pocus, just the fact you can’t figure out how to program the new remote control. Give up and hand it over to a six-year-old so you can watch Law & Order.

Taurus: Normally, you’re not susceptible to Halloween’s chills; for you, the veil between worlds might as well be a burqa. This year, however, holds a spooky surprise that could make things stand on end.  Paranormal Activity? Nah. Blame it on Debbie Does Dallas: The Zombie Edition.

Gemini: After chaperoning a school party of rabid, sugared-up fourth graders, nothing will rattle you this week. Zombie ninja monkeys? Please. The only way that would frighten you is if the zombies needed four dozen homemade cupcakes by tomorrow.

Cancer: A brush with a sexy vampire could leave you more pointy than a dish of candy corn. Dance the night away, but if your cutie still has fangs the next day, it’ll be the second time you’ll need some wood to deal with the situation.

Leo: You’re wrapped tighter than a mummy at a first aid class. Don’t worry if things start to unravel this week; you could use the fresh air. Once you’re at loose ends, however, watch out for Boy Scouts needing knot practice.

Virgo: Your wit is so sharp, you could carve a jack o’ lantern with your tongue. It may not be a marketable skill, but we would still love to see the video, so let everyone know when it’s on YouTube.

Libra: Thinking about Halloween fashion? Forget about those tacky stripper or horny devil ensembles. Neck bolts go with anything, and if you get caught in a thunderstorm, they’ll amp you up more than a case of Red Bull.

Scorpio: You have big plans for the year’s finest witching hour, but take care: not everyone who’s zapped into a newt gets better. Some stay that way, and go into law school.

Sagittarius: Planning a high-tech evening with a K2 meter and a handheld camera? Read the directions, otherwise you’ll end up asking Casper for tech support; his hourly rates for fixing your crap will be the scariest thing you’ll see all night.

Capricorn: Don’t worry, half of the ghouls are in reality shows, and the other 49 percent are seeking free sugar fixes. But that one standing on your porch? It’s either a real zombie, or it’s your ex. Either way, good luck.

Aquarius: If you bump into something chilling, be kind. Not all who wander are lost: some are just following Mapquest, and they need your direction. After all, the signpost up ahead is marked the Twilight Zone.

Pisces: Are you really seeing spirits, or is it just hallucinations thanks to that family bag of mini-Snickers and a vodka pumpkin you polished off? Either way, tell everyone that Michael Jackson said ‘hello,’ and he really digs your friend’s English schoolboy costume.

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