Hang on to your jack-o-lantern, it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: While you’re outside on Friday, check around on the ground, because your bullcrap filter has fallen out again. Once you pop it back into place, your family will let you in the house.

Taurus: Every good gardener knows that even when things are coming up roses, you shouldn’t squat in the bushes. Keep those pants on; you may have a green thumb, but being thorny could result in a pierced tuckus.

Gemini: Think you’ve won the lottery? Check again, official tickets don’t usually smell like strawberries. Next time, buy your liquor after you get tickets, and you won’t end up with a fistful of scratch-n-sniff stickers.

Cancer: Lately, you’ve made as much as sense as an Esperanto opera starring William Shatner. Back off the stage slowly and re-think that big speech, before the fat lady shoves a universal translator up your toupee.

Leo: You’ve been doing a lot of favors this week, and you have everyone’s gratitude but no cash. A heart of gold is hard to pawn, so start demanding some payback before you roll out the next round of good deeds.

Virgo: Just when you think your goose is cooked, it starts shooting out golden eggs like a gatling gun. Take advantage of the avian metallic diarrhea while you can, because that bird will run out of ammunition soon.

Libra: The pen may be mightier than the sword but a good smack with a keyboard will shut someone up fast. Everyone will know when you’ve hit your breaking point by the number of people with ‘qwerty’ imprinted on their face.

Scorpio: You’re ready to lay hands on an impressive pair of pumpkins, but double-check that you’re not plundering someone else’s garden. Otherwise, an angry farmer could carve up your gourd.

Sagittarius: Keep aware on Friday: you’ll find the prized needle in a haystack when you’re out for a roll in the barn. Be careful once you find it, or you could prick someone. Hey, we just thought you were happy to see us.

Capricorn: A penny saved may be a penny earned, but five bucks conned off your best friend is a better deal. You always knew being double-jointed would someday be a meal ticket, you just didn’t know that meal was a Mickey D’s value meal.

Aquarius: You’re turning a blind eye to some bad news, but maybe you should stop and stare into its squinty peepers; that ignorant spring in your step could turn into a fall on your face.

Pisces: You craved a change in scenery, but going from a hamster wheel to a cage with a critter trail wasn’t what you had in mind. Instead, spend some time on the Internet; you’ll feel right at home, since it’s also a series of tubes.