Break out those off-white shoes and do some real dancing with the stars, because it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Your stories are entertaining, but you should pull back a bit; being the boy who cried wolf is easier than being the weirdo who cried crazed, purple, nearsighted weasel with a taser.

Taurus: True, life isn’t always a bowl of cherries; sometimes it’s just three cherries, all the way across the slot machine. Take your lucky rabbit’s foot; heck, take the whole rabbit with you, he probably needs some vacay time too.

Gemini: Someone is spreading gossip, but wait before you confront them; it could be the kind that legends are made of, paving the way for free drinks and knowing winks.

Cancer: To you, Mercury in retrograde means car styles from the 1980s are making a comeback. Learn more about this mumbo-jumbo, so you can be ticked off when someone predicts a good day, and you only have a string of crappy ones.

Leo: Is Siegfried’s name tattooed on your furry butt? You’ve been jumping through a lot of hoops lately for the amusement of the audience. Reclaim those predator instincts and give the ringmaster a few things to think about. Like Medicare.

Virgo: If you’re waiting for the right person to come along, here’s a tip: they’re not going to jump out of your cable box. Dress up in something scandalous, and go have some fun. Your  TV shows are in reruns right now anyway.

Libra: You think you’re swinging a light saber, but your partner sees it as a weak mini-flashlight. Pump up your wattage, so you can show them how you shine. Hiding your light under a bushel can mean a fun weekend for all.

Scorpio: This week could indicate a career change when you have an incident with three ears of corn, a tub of silicone, and a very angry monkey wearing a tiny leisure suit. Hey, this stuff happens all the time in the Weekly World News.

Sagittarius: On Thursday, you discover a hidden talent that wows the masses. It’s spectacular and impressive, but totally useless and there may be long-term effects from radioactive bananas, but right now you’re a star on the Internet.

Capricorn: Someone new comes into your life, and you send your better judgment out to the movies for a while. Remember, if you’re going to make a big mistake, at least give your common sense some money for popcorn and a drink, too.

Aquarius: You’re sweating the small stuff; not only that, you’re collecting it like a klepto crow with a new nest to furnish. Let go of the tiny shinys, back up and take a gander at the big picture.

Pisces: Okay, it’s official: you’ve used up your bad luck for the year in one stunning, soul-crushing 30-day period. Enjoy some good juju; there may be a fruity drink with an umbrella involved.

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